News & Politics

Cheek, In Review: 7 Days of Runnin’ Scared


“I thought these only existed in cartoons.” Twitpic by nataliemorales.

Well, Black Friday and Cyber Monday are done and the War on Christmas is getting closer! How’s that going? On the one hand, the Satanists managed to keep the sidewalk Santas out of New York; on the other, Christers muscled Old Navy into making its mannequins say “Merry Christmas!” The real winner: Kwanzaa.

It better be good because New Year’s is definitely going to suck.

Maybe we should rechristen our winter holiday “Tiger Woodsday.” His accident developed into a full-blown thing, even drawing our prim toffee-noses into the scandal. Ward Harkavy was easier to pull in, as were the tabloid scolds and even the heavy thinkers of the press, which somehow made it even more tawdry. Not even the humorously light legal charges could stop the story’s momentum. It even invaded our celebrity nude reveries. Allen Barra thinks Tiger will come out smelling like a rose.

Governor Paterson got sick of the state senate not cutting the deficit or voting on gay marriage. So he offered to cut the deficit himself. The senate didn’t oblige with the deficit but, perhaps inspired by the D.C. gay marriage vote (or just eager to get it over with), they agreed to vote on that. We could hardly believe it, but S4401 rolled out, Ruben Diaz freaked out, and gay marriage got knocked out, 38-24. Tony Ortega was outraged, especially at the cowardly anti-gay-marriage Dems; Vanitas, said we.

Upstaters threatened to break away into a separate state, again. Who can blame them, but who says we have to stay?

For you breeders, the hot baby names are Jayden and Sophia. No, we’re serious! Sigh. That’s what we get for making jokes all the time.

The city’s big accomplishments this week: firehouse staffs were cut, the MTA threatened a hero motorman with dismissal, the Sanitation Department fined a lady thousands of dollars for one flyer, and Mayor Bloomberg impersonated an alien.

Waist deep in the Big Sandy and the big O said, “Push On.”

Hey, remember all that land Columbia seized in Harlem? The eminent domain threat used to extort it was a racket. We always knew it, but it’s nice to hear a judge say so in a court decision.

Rightbloggers turned the White House gatecrasher story into yet another “Obama is a Muslim Terrorist” story. How do they do it? They also enjoyed a game about how everyone in “Obozo’s America” is a shiftless, welfare-collecting “cakewalking” parasite, except white people like them. And they wait eagerly (as do we!) for the results of that Tennessee Obama Treason Grand Jury. Yeeeee-haw!

Our former archbishop sure fucked up.

Sexual Physiology or Hidden Truths Revealed: Purity, Heredity and Physical Manhood. A vintage, sexually retarded Studies in Crap.

In animal news, the guy who threw Oreo the Dog off that roof is in deep kibble, and deer came to Governor’s Island as part of Mother Nature’s war on New York.

Someone Got Murdered: On Southern Boulevard in The Bronx. There was also the Staten Island hit and run.

David Cross helped put the “fun” in Scientology.

Rubber room teachers sued Joel Klein. Tom Robbins looked at the hated and jobless Deutsche Bank whistleblower. AIDS protesters were arrested at Gracie Mansion. Charles Barron got into (another!) shouting match. Some guy’s slashing traffic agents’ tires. The Staten Island Ferry got new rules. The cat roaster got sent up the river.

Things got hairy for Pat Kiernan. Corporate training videos went indie. There was another pension fund confession. A drunk-drive mom’s victims held a bake sale for her. OTB finished out of the money. Crooked ref Tim Donaghy revealed the plot against Allen Iverson.

See you in a better world than this, or next week, whichever comes first.

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