News & Politics

War on Christmas Update: Boycotts, “CHRIST-mas Tree” Give Jesus Team an Advantage


Toby Keith does his part.

When last we left the War on Christmas, the Jesus Team had won an important victory: getting Gap Inc. to put a little Christmas in an Old Navy ad. And they’re not letting up: In fact, Liberty Council’s Naughty and Nice list of Christmas-friendly and -unfriendly retailers still scores Gap a “Naughty,” as the approved ad is “only one out of several Gap, Inc. commercials”; one of these is “lighthearted but mentions several unrelated holidays.” Godly shoppers, you know what to do.

(Moderate Christianists may prefer to use the American Family Foundation version, which has three categories: Green ” FOR ‘Christmas,'” Red “against ‘Christmas,'” and Yellow “marginalizing ‘Christmas'”; these last you can shop at, but you have to leave Chick Tracts in the bathrooms.)

They have a lot of territory to conquer: President Obama is apparently working for the enemy, sending out cards with the heretical “Seasons’ Greetings,” and their social secretary had to lobby them to putting a nativity scene in the East Room. A far cry from the old days, when George and Laura made the White House Press Corps dress like shepherds until Twelfth Night.

To combat this goverment atheism, Congressman Harry Brown and several other Republicans are bringing a resolution that proclaims the House “strongly disapproves of attempts to ban references to Christmas; and expresses support for the use of these symbols and traditions by those who celebrate Christmas.” Veto that, Hussein!

And traditional Christian warriors have a new ally this year: alleged libertarian John Stossel, who joined Bill O’Reilly for his annual War on Christmas pep rally. While professing not to care one way or the other, Stossel did admit that “If I think they’re being politically correct I say ‘Merry Christmas’ just to annoy them.” That’s what’s going to bring the GOP coalition together — the mutual desire to be an asshole.

It looks like God’s People are off to a good start, but the real test will be how many homes pony up $399 for Boss Creations’ “CHRIST-mas Tree,” in which “the trunk of the tree is made to resemble a wooden cross as a reminder [of] Jesus all season.” It’s seven and a half feet tall, and will make a great impact when it miraculously tips over onto your unbelieving relatives.

Ho ho ho, you secular bastards! Where’s your Darwin now?


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