As the holiday approaches, I want you to dredge up the painful memory of the most awful piece of shit you ever received in wrapping paper.
Something so useless it was hardly worth Santa squeezing his lard ass through the chimney for.
I, of course, have received no such unworthy gifts because I feel all of them are from the heart and therefore are perfectly invaluable.
But there was one that really made me retch, if you don’t mind me sharing.
It was from a self promoting actress who had been in a play earlier that year. As her idea of a sincere gift that I would simply adore, she sent me the script of the play, autographed by herself, with a couple of Xeroxed reviews inside! And the card attached was a picture of her beaming in front of the marquee!
I didn’t know you were allowed to show people you care by showing people you care about yourself!
I also once got a turtleneck sweater that was too itchy.