THE DECADE’S 10 SHADIEST PEOPLE TO AVOID AT ALL COSTS
1—Karl Rove: The brains behind the brainless.
2—Bernie Madoff: A huge pain in the asset management.
3—Jim McGreevey: “I’m a gay American.” Yeah, with an unqualified boy toy on the payroll.
4—Tiger Woods: He went clubbing—and so did the wife.
5—Carrie Prejean: Gays should have fixed up all her hair.
6—Balloon boy’s father: He had the world chasing an empty balloon as he ran after hollow fame.
7—Octomom: Implanted embryos pop out of her and right toward an agent’s office.
8—Levi Johnston: Much ado about two unseen inches.
9—Bill O’Reilly/Glenn Beck: Yes, they are two different people, with separate loofahs.
10—Mark Sanford: He would have seemed sleazier if McGreevey hadn’t preceded him.
THE DECADE’S 10 WORST COUPLES
1—Eminem and Elton John: Sir Elton validated the rapper with a 2001 Grammys duet that made me hate the gays, too.
2—Brangelina: She was more interesting when she was a wild child—and so was Angelina.
3—Janet Jackson’s breasts: I wish one of them hadn’t popped out on TV, leading to mass hysteria and crackdowns.
4—Rihanna and Chris Brown: She should have hit him back with her umbrella . . . ella . . . ella . . .
5—Britney and K-Fed: Thank God he’s now Fed-ex.
6—Jon and Kate: Plus idiocy.
7—Mackenzie Phillips and Dad: Gave consensual incest a bad name.
8—Madonna and A-Rod: A PR stunt that broke up a marriage.
9—Madonna and Jesus: What’s going to happen when she’s 80 and he’s 12?
10—Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey: A battle of wits between two unarmed opponents.
THE DECADE’S 10 WORST MOVIES
1—Gigli (2003): When J. Lo said, “Gobble, gobble,” you knew it was a turkey.
2—Glitter (2001): Didn’t get first place only because it provided some much-needed giggles right after 9/11.
3—Battlefield: Earth (2000): A sci-fi thriller about a complete wasteland—namely, the mind of L. Ron Hubbard.
4—The Master of Disguise (2002): Dana Carvey played Pistachio Disguisey. Need I say more?
5—Norbit (2007): Came out just in time to ruin Eddie Murphy’s Oscar chances for Dreamgirls.
6—Spinning Into Butter (2007): A limp drama that spun a good topic into piping-hot dreck.
7—Gray Matters (2006): As Gray Baldwin, Heather Graham turned lesbo—and straight guys still stayed away in droves.
8—Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002): I didn’t see it, but neither did anyone else, except for critics who uniformly called it a WMD.
9—Fly Me to the Moon (2008): It was in 3-D, so you spent the movie swatting flies away in between dozing off.
10—Chocolat (2000): Would-be whimsy that made my stomach hurt and my teeth ache.