The Tiger Woods scandal gave us lots and lots and lots of pleasure in 2009, but in recent weeks the sexed-up sports star has been keeping a low profile and hence not nearly as much easy to make fun of. So it is with relief we report that the National Enquirer allegedly has photographs allegedly of Woods hanging out near a sex rehab facility, allegedly.
That’s good enough for us, and for press both gutter and major! We can confirm receipt of alleged authentic alleged secret sex rehab tapes. Here’s a taste:
Alleged sex rehab counselor: What about you, Tiger? After sex, what’s the most important thing to you?
Alleged Tiger Woods: A cigarette, you know, then maybe seven or eight hours sleep.
Alleged sex rehab counselor: No, Tiger, I mean, what is the most important thing in your life besides sex?
Alleged Tiger Woods: Well, I really like a Snickers bar, especially right after it’s been in the freezer. That’s awesome. Also I like caviar, and my Jaguar, I don’t drive it too much but it’s just awesome. (pause) Puppies. I like puppies. And the music of Hootie and the Blowfish, Creed.
Alleged sex rehab counselor: What about golf, Tiger? Where does golf come on your list of things you love?
Alleged Tiger Woods: (starts to hyperventilate, then to weep uncontrollably)
Or maybe they’re just feeding him saltpeter.