News & Politics

John Edwards, Elizabeth Edwards Separate, and Other Gossipy Bullshit from Reliable Sources


The New York Post uses the old “colon-report” trick to tell us that People says horndog former Democratic Presidential candidate John Edwards and his cancer-stricken wife Elizabeth have separated. This sounds like a good bet (it’s from People! These days, that’s like a press release from Jesus himself!) but also credibly-deniable; if it doesn’t pan out, or the Edwardses make like it never happened, later they can say they meant the couple had separated John’s shoulder, Elizabeth by pushing him down the stairs, and John by not falling on it right.

Let’s see what else they left under the doormat… “Elizabeth Edwards’ Suicide Attempt Exposed.” Wow. OK, that’s a new one. It comes from the new book The Politician by Andrew Young, the guy who claimed paternity of Rielle Hunter’s baby in a bungled attempt to cover for his boss until he wised up. Mrs. Edwards apparently “ran to the medicine cabinet and emptied some pill bottles in a fury… she actually had a handful of pills in her hand and was about to ingest them when she suddenly broke down in tears.” Oh, come on, that’s nothing we don’t do every couple of weekends. And we have so much less to live for than someone who’s going to get 80 percent of John Edwards’ assets!

Also, Young says Edwards called Hunter a “crazy slut” and wanted her to get an abortion. This arouses the ire of the conservative American Spectator, which previously thought the Edwards affair was all fun, games, and Clinton-got-a-blowjob before learning that Edwards had suggested ending the pregnancy with a legal procedure opposed by its readers. Then the dudgeon flows like fine port! “Given the sordid details about Edwards’ political and personal life already known to be factual,” they sniff, “anything is possible and nothing off the table.” Then they called for their cane and greatcoat, and bade all good morrow.

Oh wait, there’s more: Edwards-Hunter sex tape! Hunter called John Edwards “Love Lips“! John Edwards broke up Brad and Angelina! Elizabeth is actually cancer-free and is having just having treatments to turn her into an Avatar cat-monkey! Colon… report!



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