Aw, they pulled the Mad TV iPad thing. (Here’s a link to another version, for as long as it lasts.) Oh well, this joke never gets old.
1 p.m. “We’re being told to silence our cell phones and pagers,” report the livebloggers at Technologizer on Steve Jobs’ impending Apple Tablet announcement. Excitement abounds, as does nerdiholism: “I can hardly wait to see what Steve Jobs has in store for us now!” says a lady at the Times. “my first apple device was the iPhone and now all the members of our family have one and love them!”
OK, who knows — maybe this’ll be the third Apple product we absolutely refused to buy. (We mean fourth — we forgot Apple TV.)
1:10. Two nerds argue over whether the Apple II graphics pad was a tablet.
1:12. Jobs appears in his traditional death-warmed-over t-shirt-and-jeans. (“Disturbingly thin,” says the Times.)
Yay! He dissed NetBooks.
Fuck. Technologizer locked us out! “Over capacity.”
iPad? Guess it’s called iPad. What are these podcasters talking about? Whatever happened to podcast standards? IS IT CALLED THE iPAD OR NOT?
1:16. Jobs says the iPad is more “intimate” than a laptop. Well, yes; when we’re watching porn on it, we imagine it will make for fascinating finger-painted patterns on the big screen.
1:20. “The New iPad Looks Like a Big iPhone,” says the Times. The CNET nerdcasters tells us that Apple stock just dropped. Jobs is finished! One term! You lie!
Gizmodo says Jobs says “it’s a dream to type on.” Also, that it’s like a giant iPhone keyboard. So if we get one, expect more posts like “OBAM SINES ANTITERRORBILL^&.”
1:24. Ah, it has iPhoto, it looks like. We hate iPhoto. At least once a day we accidentally open it and have to make coffee while it finishes commandeering our laptop… also iTunes: it looks like there are more prompts and — what’s the technical term — thingees.
Jobs shows a dog surfing, says a Tweeter. And Modern Family. Then, Star Trek…
Christ Jesus this is boring and awful! Nerdcasters inform us that there won’t be any important stuff for a while — more gush, then some developers, then the wow finish — so we’re gonna —
Oh wait: deets: 1/2 inch thin, 1.5 pounds. 9.7″ IPS display. Kinda like the Jetsons’ Etch-a-Sketch.
The contrarians are at it already! “Pretty, pointless,” says sciencetext. “It’s essentially a giant iPhone or iPod touch for browsing the web, storing photos, reading books, and media player. Big deal.” Maybe at the end, when the magic happens, Jobs will show us how it cooks dinner or walks the dog.
1:37. 10 hours of battery life? Yeah, when you buy it, maybe. You turn on our three-year-old MacBook Pro without the plug, it immediately starts sucking energy out of other devices.
Cult of Mac doesn’t see a camera. Previous reports said it would have one in the front and one in the back, so you could shoot yourself and other people, maybe at the same time. Others have noticed the same thing.
1:45. Guess they have some kind of New York Times partnership. You can read on your iPad in one environment, then pick up from there on your iPhone. NYT Interactive pioneer Martin Nisenholtz sez: “We’re incredibly psyched to pioneer the next generation of digital journalism.” Look, you can change the number of columns! The ghost of Charles A. Dana nods and smiles.
Oh another thing: no 3G. You need a wireless connection. Apparently you’re not going to take the thing on trips; that’s what iPhones are for. It is the 50s housewife of Apple doodads, always keeping your digital dinner warm until you come home for some finger-painting.
And suddenly on Twitter —#iPadSlogans: “The iPad. All the convenience of a netbook at three times the cost.”
2:00. Ah… it has books. It’s like iTunes for books — you buy from them. It’s called iBooks! How clever! They have a bunch of big publishers on board, and we assume you can add your own “indie” books to it. Eric T. Peterson says, “Anyone want a slightly used Kindle?”
We hate this. We will stop now. So: It’s a big iPod touch with no 3G or camera. But! If you don’t have a Kindle, or an iPhone, maybe this will suck you in now. It will almost certainly suck the rest of us saps in with the next upgrade. All hail Steve Mobs!
2:15. Prices rolling out: $29.99 a month for unlimited data — and a deal with AT&T, the mention of which spikes outrage across the internet. But no contract! And the device is unlocked.
Lowest priced model: $499 for 16 gig. Escalating to $599 and $699. For extra money, you can add 3G to the models. (They’ll be available later than the others — 90 days away.) Bear in mind you still have to buy data, and whatever services, games, subscriptions etc. you want to use on the thing.
It’s too much. Unless we get a big tax refund. Or switch to a cheaper brand of beer… Sigh. Hate being a junkie.