If you watched Idol tonight, not only did you miss the season premiere of Lost, but you volunteered to endure another hour of Victoria Bobble-Head Beckham. It’s just downright un-American. However, those who did watch probably don’t need this recap. So, for all the Lost-ies out there who had much better things to do tonight, here’s what happened in Denver.
Mmmm…nothing. Basically, we learned that Coloradans are cute and have lots of babies. Take the first auditioner, Mark Labriola. He’s a Jack Black lookalike, who, when asked about himself, says “I love cheese.” Mark shares some crazy convoluted story about being kidnapped, life on the run in Maui, and having his own kid, it’s kind of adorable. The voice is great, and shockingly, Lady Beckham is the first one to comment on it (he goes to Hollywood).
Turns out tonight Victoria has plenty more to say than she did on her last Idol outing, though her commentary is still marred by unbridled optimism. She loves this one’s dress, that one’s skin, the other’s song choice, and she could see a career in Vegas for one loser. Victoria herself is still a mixed bag: her clothes are as slick as her hair, which, glued to her head or solidified into an unmoving mound atop it, makes her face look far too large for her body. But her shiny dresses are dazzling enough, and it doesn’t hurt that Victoria tries to win us over by holding a child in her lap (part of 16-year-old auditioner Tori Kelly’s curious entourage).
Speaking of children, there are an abundance of them in Denver, including those of at least two single moms. Simon actually joked that he could see why one of them, Kimberly Kerbow, was single (she sang to him about Rogaine in an annoying impersonation of Ingrid Michaelson). The other, Danelle Hayes, cries before she even begins an amazing audition, in which she wails Melissa Etheridge’s “I’m the Only One.” And she’s wearing a bandana. If we’re ever going to get a lesbian contestant on this show, she might be it. Both moms make it to Hollywood.
Danelle’s audition turned into a sap-fest and the producers didn’t even seem to plan it, though one they did try to tout was Casey James, a deceptively handsome singer-songwriter-type who had a motorcycle accident at the age of 21. Kara and Victoria urge him to let his long blonde locks down and remove his shirt. The guys are not having it, but Casey makes it through anyway.
The second day in Denver brought some duds, including a University of Colorado longsnapper (that’s a football position, apparently) who just exudes that college a capella group douchiness. There’s also one guy who moans and groans, someone in I think a bat costume, and bikini boy, this year’s answer to the woman who made Ryan Seacrest a victim of sexual assault on Season 8. But not before two more gratingly cute auditions, one by Nicci Nix, a girl who lives in Florence, and speaks–as Simon points out–with a helium voice. The other was by Haeley Vaughan, a self-proclaimed “Miracle Baby” who was born prematurely and has been suffering for it ever since, so she says. Her goal, to be the first black pop-country Idol, is one step closer, as we’ll be seeing her (and Nicci) in Hollywood–one place we are pretty sure we will not be seeing Victoria Beckham… for now.