Just in time for Valentines Day, Burger King has decided it wants to win back the women it so methodically alienated with “seven incher” blow-jobs and almost-naked ladies singing in the shower. According to Advertising Age, the chain is now wooing the fairer sex with ads for lower-calorie “Positive Steps” meals and plans to do a Twilight promotion this summer for its so-called “female superfan.”
Lest anyone be tempted to think that such a shift in strategy flows from Burger King’s deep reservoir of magnanimity, think again: The chain’s sales have been going downhill for almost a year, with same-store sales decreasing 3.3 percent in Canada and the U.S. by the end of the second fiscal quarter on Dec. 31, compared with the previous year’s 1.9 percent increase. Franchisees — who clashed with the corporate office over its mandatory dollar double cheeseburger promotion — have also reported that sales have decreased since the beginning of the year.
Last week, Burger King’s CEO, John Chidsey, told investors that the company was expanding its definition of “superfan” from 18-34-year-old males to all ages and demographics, including the elderly and women-folk.
Like a bad and pathetically transparent ex-boyfriend, Burger King’s saying it’s sorry only because it’s realized a once-sure thing isn’t quite as good as it appeared to be. Trying to welcome women back into its greasy fold with condescending ads that exploit their body image insecurity and supposed thrall to teenage boys with fangs is almost as insulting as the specter of a woman trying to deep-throat a Whopper on national TV. Thanks for throwing us that bone, guys, but until you put humble pie on your menu, you can take that seven-incher and stick it where the sun don’t shine.