Matthew McConaughey was—yes, I’ll admit it—the person responsible for my adolescent sexual awakening. That wavy blond hair! That perfect golden tan! That cute Southern accent in A Time to Kill! But somewhere along the way, between Dazed and Confused and The Wedding Planner, McConaughey lost his beautiful mind. We’re not sure if it was all that enthusiasm he displayed for the bongos or the sun exposure from his chronic shirtlessness (does he even own a tank top?), but something went terribly wrong in paradise. So, it’s with a heavy heart that we announce our dreamy Southerner (a/k/a Ab-Man) is dying tonight at Celebrity Funeral: Imagining the Death of Matthew McConaughey. Comedian Mamrie Hart hosts a night with some of his “closest friends and co-stars” as they honor the man and his tan. May his career rest in peace (or have a second coming!). Oh, and, out of respect, no shirts allowed.

Wed., Feb. 17, 8 p.m., 2010