Dear Mexican: I’ve been attracted to transgendered women since I was about 13. I’ve noticed, however, that most trannies are Hispanic. I’ve also noticed that more than half of all Hispanic transsexuals are Mexican. What’s up with that? Is it a cultural thing? Is it something in your genes? I mean, what is it? —Self-Hating Hispanic
Dear Mexican: I was surfing porn last week when I happened on an escort website. I got to the she-male section and noticed a curious thing: The percentage of transgendered escorts that were Latinos (by their admission) was 57 percent. Given the legendary Latino male machismo, how do you account for that? —Gabacho of the Straight Persuasion
Dear Wab and Gabacho: To the gabacho: I’m all for folks enjoying their different strokes, but you: straight? When you’re looking through the transgendered section of a prostitute website? And were able to calculate to the exact percentile the number of Latin@ escorts on said site? Cabrón: You ain’t straight, and that’s all right. To the wab: I don’t know where you get your numbers, either. No reliable statistics exist on the number of Mexican transgendered people, whether in the motherland or el norte, but what is known about this population is that they’re inordinately represented in HIV cases, as sexual-assault victims, and face rampant harassment. To the gabacho: Instead of ogling them, maybe you should spend your perverted dollars on donating to nonprofits that help LGBT Mexis—and maybe they’ll be kind enough to help you with your own sexual hang-ups. To the wab: You should donate, too.
Dear Mexican: I met a wonderful man from Mexico City and became romantically involved with him. However, after just one month of dating, he dropped the “Te amo” bomb on me, which I thought was a bit sudden. Coincidentally, shortly after this happened, a good friend of mine also started dating a chilango. He said, “Te amo” to her after only one week! Now, while my gabacho friends saw these situations as red flags, my Latino friends blamed this on pasión, and said that these guys were “just being Latino men” and insisted we not worry about it. Is it a cultural norm, in Mexico, for a man to tell a woman he is dating that he loves her, so soon? —The Confused Hawaiana
Dear Wahine: Chula, Mexican men get straight to the punto. Your chilango obviously told you he loves you so soon because he thinks your hips are child-bearing, your bosom bountiful, and your health good. No time for courtship—bring on the babies! I’ll allow that mexicanos, brought up on decades of expert wooers like José Alfredo Jiménez, Juan Gabriel, Agustín Lara, and other songsmiths, might be more florid and expressive in matters of the corazón than their gabacho counterparts, who wouldn’t be able to quote “Night and Day” if you spotted them the Frank Sinatra–Tommy Dorsey version and Frank’s solo, drunken effort. Let love reign and its verbal couplets rain upon you, I say—now, start popping out those twice-bronzed brownies!