The Worst Oscar Speeches


Supposedly this year, Oscar winners are forewarned to save their gratitudey lists of agents and preachers for backstage. On the telecast, they’ll be advised to actually say something meaningful about the work they’re being rewarded for.

I don’t necessarily agree that the Oscars should micromanage everything that happens on it, but I do agree that those gushy “I wanna thank…” speeches are the worst, as they span everyone from William Morris to God, in that order, while the adoring spouse is conveniently left out.

After that, they’re not so adoring and the marriage usually ends in despair.

I also can’t stand those fake-excited speeches from people who knew full well, along with everyone else on the planet, that they had it in the bag. (Remember Julia Roberts?)

Even worse are the hysterical, stammery monologues from people who are so in love with their own achievement that they can’t pretend to focus for two minutes, even though they’re performers by trade.

And the ones that end with “Let this award be an beacon of hope to everyone out there with a dream,” as if we all are so low and despondent that we want to be exactly like THEM. (I DO, mind you, but still.)

But the golden cake goes to the Ving Rhames kind of speech, where you bathe yourself in humility and torture one of the losers by bringing him onstage as he strains to be gracious. And it turned out Ving didn’t even know Jack’s work!

Still, I’m grateful to all these people for what they do–and to God too!

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