The big screen treatment of Gilligan’s Island — yes, the old TV show starring Bob Denver about seven stranded castaways — is in the works, and pop culture fans are already speculating on who should play what.
But we can do that one better. Our sources have slipped us some treatment and production notes (still redolent of cocaine, so we know they’re authentic) that tell not only who’s cast, but what they’re going to do.
Backstory on Gilligan and The Skipper. Gilligan — originally meant for Michael Cera, but shifted at the last minute to Zach Braff — is at loose ends in San Diego, and in desperation joins the Coast Guard. There he meets Jonas Grumby (Jack Black), a Petty Officer who, like Sgt. Bilko, always has a scheme working. Gilligan constantly falls into the water and never rises above Seaman Recruit, but Grumby lives high off weed and gambling receipts extorted from local criminals. Gilligan admires the cool Grumby so greatly that when both INTERPOL and a drug dealer come after Grumby, he goes AWOL with him. Together Grumby, now incognito as The Skipper, and his “Li’l Bro” Gilligan move up the coast, running pleasure cruises.
The shipwreck. Naturally the whole thing is in 3-D, so this sequence is extended, with tidal waves, killer whales, and schools of friendly dolphins who have learned primitive English from a local rehabilitation facility and who nudge the Minnow to safety on an uncharted desert aisle.
The castaways. The Howells, Thurston (James Spader) and LuvE (Sarah Jessica Parker) are clueless nouveaux riches; LuvE has not worked since her days as a dancer in rap videos, and Thurston recently lost his job with a corrupt power company; this pleasure cruise was meant to rekindle their dying love. Megan Fox and Kristen Stewart were originally signed for Ginger and Mary Anne, but withdrew when they recovered from the sedatives, and were replaced by Katherine Heigl and Emma Watson (Ginger, in this version, comes from a small town in the English Midlands). In a knowing reversal of their original characterizations, movie star Ginger is more imperious and annoying than sexy, and Mary Anne is constantly getting naked and going, “Oops! Thought no one was about!” and enticing Gilligan with racy allusions to animal husbandry.
The Professor, in the boldest reimagining, is played by Tracy Morgan as a crooked would-be mogul who dabbles in mechanical engineering (which better explains his constant failure to fix the damn boat).
Plot. While everyone tries incompetently to get off the island — big laughs as their attempt to connect with the mainland via a computer made from their damaged cell phones only manages to receive HGTV — along the way they learn valuable lessons in life and love.
The Professor at first boldly tries to fuck all the ladies (“If I get with you, girl, we can blow off this island on a hydraulic jizz stream!”) but eventually breaks down and confesses that his braggadocio is all due to his lack of a father.
The Skipper, who simultaneously realizes his own parental issues, bonds with The Professor over this, which leaves Gilligan feeling confused and abandoned until he and LuvE take a moonlight walk on the beach and discover that each of them is really alone in a world they never made. “Thurston can give me wads of cash,” she declares, “but here that’s only good for improvised tampons.” “Yeah I kinda know what you mean,” says Gilligan. “I feel like an improvised tampon myself.”
Thurston, meanwhile, is forced by his lack of resources to use his charm and wits to woo Ginger and Mary Ann, and realizes he lacks both. He resolves, once her gets back home, to go back to school and take Humanities classes. Ginger and Mary Ann, frustrated, have sex with each other.
Gilligan repeatedly tries to get the dolphins to fetch help, but they’re angry about global warming and at first refuse; after several discussions, Gilligan gets Thurston to apologize to them formally for his former company’s rampant pollution. The dolphins teach the castaways to make a raft and, humbled by their experiences into competence and bravery, they get back to California.
After their parade, Gilligan and The Skipper are picked up by Coast Guard Special Agents, thus offering an opportunity for a sequel, Gilligan’s Brig: Back to the Island.