News & Politics

Oldest Person in America Dies, Presumably Without Having Seen Avatar


Via an AP report, America’s oldest old person – Mary Josephine Ray of Westmoreland, N.H. – was 114 and 294 days old when she died today.

She was cool with being really old, loved life, and especially loved the attention of being a record-breaker, proving that the thrill of great press will keep you alive far longer than you have any decent reason to be. The title’s been passed down to Ames, Iowa’s Neva Morris, who’s 114 years, 216 days old, because there’re two things to do in Ames, Iowa: die, or keep living. Morris would be the world record holder, except, the Japanese have us beat right now. Kama Chinen, who takes being a Little Old Lady to the extreme, is 114 years, 301 days. No ruling on whether or not living in the future is considered an unfair advantage. Also, Toyota should look into an endorsement deal, here, because this woman just can’t put the breaks on being alive.

As for our fair metropolis, everyone in New York dies earlier than the rest of the world because this city is trying to fucking kill you. In fact, the last time anyone really checked up on the oldest New Yorker in existence, they just noted that it was a tree and otherwise gave up. Sounds about right.

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