To Vajazzle, or Not to Vajazzle: New York’s Cosmetic Crisis


Jennifer Love Hewitt’s legacy may finally be realized. After years of toiling away on Party of Five, two I Know What You Did Last Summer films, and Ghost Whisperer, it now appears that she’ll be most remembered for her 2 Live Crew-esque contribution of bringing forth the trend of “blinging out” one’s vagina with Swarovski crystals to a fascinated public. Or at least the people who read blogs who click on shit like this.

Most of the general consensus regarding the practice of Vajazzling trends negatively.

Three out of four straight heterosexual males without last names that were polled by Gawker were generally nonplussed, concerned, or frightened by the idea; one was intrigued. The heterosexual male polled with a last name posited that Vajazzlers should have their vaginas taken away until they’re ready to have them again. The star of a video who has her own vagina Vajazzled noted the experience quite defensively:

No, I don’t Vajazzle regularly. I’m a journalist, this was an investigative report, and yes… I was willing to give it a try. Vajazzling is NOT the downfall of feminism. Do whatever you want with your crotch, pubes, and labia. Seriously, do your own thing.

The video of it that she included demystifies how this all works. Observe:

Extraordinary. But still, most people have yet to enjoy the experience of Vajazzling. The matter of “Is this gonna become a thing?” was pretty much resolved as “no” until today, when an anonymous reporter at Crushable actually enjoyed the experience of making her vagina sparkle:

“Do you want to see it?” I asked out of the blue. His eyes lit up, so I took off my pants and laid on the bed so he could get a better look. He stared at it for a while, and touched it to feel the raised bumps of the crystals against my skin. “It’s mesmerizing,” Jason said. “This is probably the longest I’ve ever stared at a vagina.” Then we had sex, and none of the crystals fell off.

Having gotten feedback from both women and men, I felt my vajazzle was well worth it. A week after it was applied, it’s still going strong. Now, my hair is starting to grow back, and I’m sure they’ll start to fall off one by one eventually. If not, I’ll have to remove them myself, something I’m sure a little rubbing alcohol can help me with.

This is what they refer to in science as a “breakthrough.” Ostensibly, one guy was fascinated by a sparkly vagina, but really, the allure of having a sparkly vagina has been kept alive, and thus, the question of whether or not this trend follows through as something someone other than Dumb Shit New York Bloggers Write About. In its favor, it:

– Sounds like something dreamed up by 2 Live Crew.
– Inspires fierce feminist sentiments.
– It’s ready-made for some forms of mainstream media regard.
– Is shiny, and sparkly, and humans have always coveted sparkly things.
– Is ferociously tawdry, and humans have always coveted tawdry things.

Also, Vajazzling functions as an especially apt metaphor brought to life that loudly projects outward (and will be projected upon by) the insecurities, values, and appreciation of each Vajzzled individual and those who encounter said vaginae. Some people think their sexual organs are treasures. Who wants to wear them like one? Will seeking out Vajazzled women become a fetish? Will it one day be advertised in the classifieds of this very publication? [Ed. Probably already is.] The point is: a true consensus has yet to emerge. One thing is for sure: Vajazzling is an unalienable American right. But who’s going to seize upon it?