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Ross Douthat Crap About Iraq and Shakespeare Inspires Questionable Parody

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“The narrative of the Iraq invasion, properly told, resembles a story out of Shakespeare” — that jackass Ross Douthat, New York Times.


BUSHLET, PRINCE OF A GUY


[The ghost of WMDs flits about the White House]


MARCELLUS

‘Tis gone!


HORATIO

It started like a guilty thing

Upon a fearful summons.


BERNARDO

Good enough for me! Let’s away to the sitch room!

[The court of KING SADDAM and MOMMA]


MOMMA

You look a mite peaked, George.


BUSHLET

It’s Warshinton. The air ain’t right or somethin’.


KING SADDAM

Yeah, whatever, outie.


[Exeunt all but BUSHLET]


BUSHLET

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear. Know what I mean?


[CHENEY enters, disguis’d, waving the World Trade Towers]


GHOST

Woohh! Mark me, Saddam needs an ass-kickin’.


BUSHLET

My fate cries out. I say kick ass!


[Later, somewhere else]


FACTOTUM

Hans Blix and Whatshisname are here.


BUSHLET

Hiya, fellas.


BLIX

The world’s grown honest.


BUSHLET

Yeah, well, we’ll see about that. What a piece of shit is man! Haw, just funnin’ y’all. Hey, Colin and his pitcher show is here!


[Enter COLINPOWELL and the Players]


Hey, fellers, “The rugged Pyrrhus, he whose sable arms/ Black as his purpose, did the night resemble” [winks broadly] Y’all take my meanin’?


COLINPOWELL

We do, my lord.


BUSHLET

Great. See you at the U.N. [Exeunt PLAYERS.] I’m a rogue and peasant slave, gol-durnit. Well, let’s see if we can’t catch the conscience of the whatchamacallit, that guy they got there.


[Dumbshow at the U.N. Everyone freaks out.]


BUSHLET

Haw! Frighted with false fire and whatnot! In your face!


WHATSHISNAME

Your momma wants to talk to you,


BUSHLET

Aw shoot.


MOMMA

You have thy father much offended.


BUSHLET

Aw, quit it, Momma, I’m a man grown! I — hey, who’s that?


[Stabs, waterboards, smashes fingers, and dehydrates to death SOME ARAB WHO DIDN’T DO ANYTHING]


Aw shoot, now look! Hey, look at this picture of Poppy. He kinda knew what the score was, right? Don’t make me get heavy with you now.


[CHENEY enters waving the body of GB1]


CHENEY

Woooooh! Leave her to heaven!


BUSHLET

Whatever you say, Dick! OK, I’m off to the gym. [Exits]


GB1

I’m not dead, you know.


SUPERNUMERARIES

Huggermugger, huggermugger.


BUSHLET

I’m back, what’s up?


KING SADDAM

Surprise!


[They wrassle. BUSHLET kills KING SADDAM.]


BUSHLET

[Dusting off hands] Well, that’s that. It ain’t braggin’ if you can do it. Hmm, don’t feel so good. Uh-oh, looks like I done something to my whatchamacallit — my reputation. Gotta take a lie-down.


[Poll numbers swoon]


The election lights on Obama; he has my sympathy, haw! The rest is silence


[Naps]


ROSSDOUTHAT

Now cracks a noble heart. Good night, sweet prince;

As reams of bullshit sling thee through the rest.

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