News & Politics

Anticipating the Pope’s Sexual Abuse Memo to Catholics


In light of the hundreds of new sexual abuse allegations against the Catholic church, Pope Benedict XVI has a really, really good plan: He’s going to write a letter. A letter intended to “help ‘repentance, healing and renewal.’ ” He’s going to sign it on Friday and send it out “soon afterwards.” Soon? Doesn’t the Vatican have their own post office? Anyway, we’re going to see just how sharp of a wordsmith the Pope really is, when he tries to put basically all of Ireland’s Catholics on ice with a letter. One that must be honest. Emotional. Empathetic. And a call to action promising real change. Until then, we can only anticipate what it’s going to say. We’ve come up with the following preemptive rhetorical recreation, in a best-case-scenario letter from the Pope to his constituents.

Children of God,

Here’s a commemorative key fob. Now: Put up or shut up. Or get a button fly. Or go watch Sleepers. I’m outta here soon, anyway. Popes: We die.

Sieg Heil, bitches.

J. Ratzinger
Fightin’ P.B.’s

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