New York

Sauced Court Cop Pops Paddy’s Day Gat Shot


St. Patrick’s Day in New York City always yields at least one stellar story of someone who shouldn’t be drunk, being drunk, and partaking in some typically dumb, drunk noise that they really shouldn’t, that somehow involves their authority. Which often yields the revelation that people taxpayers trust are stupid, bad drunks. Which is scary. And this year was no different.

A 42-year-old court officer named Michael Armstrong got wasted, pulled out his gun, and fired off a shot in the air. Or, per the New York Post, as his side of the story goes:

Armstrong, who is assigned to Civil Court at 111 Centre St., claimed that the gun accidentally discharged as he was taking it out of his holster to move it to another holster…According to the criminal complaint, cops said [the arresting officer] told them that “an odor of alcohol was emanating from [Armstrong].”

Dennis Quirk, the President of the New York State Court Officers Association, said Armstrong wasn’t drunk. “Was he drinking? Yes. Was he intoxicated? No,” said Quirk, whose organization is defending Armstrong.

Armstrong? Not so much, especially since he fell to the old Plaxico Property of Drunk Gun Holstering. Looks like someone slept through physics. And got really drunk. How drunk? Again, Quirk:

He definitely was not intoxicated. He claimed to have three or four beers over a five-hour period. It was at one of those bars down by the courthouse. He said it was accidental.

Just like that time I accidentally got drunk in ninth grade at that wedding I ended up puking all over a caterer at. The difference being that I didn’t have a gun on me. And I’d never be dumb enough to

(A) Pull it out,
(B) Have the safety off,
(C) Let it discharge in the air, away from anybody’s aim. Like even a drunk person would have enough sense to do,
or (D) Do it at Federal Plaza, where New York’s FBI headquarters are based. Which he did.

See, if the guy actually hit someone, he might be okay for it looking like an accident. Though, also, dead. And even then, he’d still be handling his gun drunk. Which he was! Which cops do. Which should be avoided. Both being a drunk cop, and drunk cops. Which are apparently difficult to distinguish from “definitely not intoxicated” cops, now.


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