News & Politics

Jeremy Piven Can’t Take a Joke, Apparently

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Last week, our Michael Musto reported that Megan Mullally had split a Broadway play before it even had a chance to open.

When he noted Mullally’s departure, Musto naturally drew a parallel to Jeremy Piven’s highly-publicized departure from a production of David Mamet’s Speed-the-Plow:

When Jeremy Piven abruptly checked out of Broadway’s Speed-the-Plow revival in late ’08, at least he was polite enough to give a health-related excuse: He’d eaten too much fish!

We all remember that, right? It was David Mamet himself who uttered the hilarious line, “I talked to Jeremy on the phone, and he told me that he discovered that he had a very high level of mercury. So my understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer.”

Well, yesterday we received an interesting missive from Piven’s attorney, well-known Hollywood attack dog Marty Singer. We’ll just let you read some excerpts:

Our firm is litigation counsel for Jeremy Piven and I am writing with reference to your article entitled, “Megan Mullally Splits Broadway Show: Is She the New Jeremy Piven?” written by Michael Musto in the Village Voice blog on March 25, 2010 (“Article”). The Article and the headline of the Article itself are defamatory to our client. In the Article you also falsely state that my client “abruptly checked out of Broadway’s Speed-the-Plow revival in late ’08, at least he was polite enough to give a health-related excuse: he’d eaten too much fish!” You further state that Ms. Mullally should litter her hotel with “empty tuna cans in defense.” The Article falsely makes it appear that my client made up an excuse in order to get out of the Broadway show based on simply eating tuna. The undisputed facts are that my client did not “abruptly leave the show,” but that in fact, he notified the producers well in advance about my client’s health concerns.

Yes, Jeremy Piven not only can’t take a joke, he goes nuts when someone like Michael Musto even gives him credit for being “polite” enough to offer a health-related excuse for his absence.

But his hired gun, Singer, is just getting warmed up.

See, we were apparently way out of line because we didn’t pay enough attention to the terms of the arbitration that happened between Piven and the producers of the play he left:

…The Arbitrator found that my client was absolutely justified in leaving the Broadway show based on his medical condition. After hearing the testimony of numerous percipient witnesses….blah, blah, blah…For example, in his 44-page Opinion, the Arbitrator described at length the progression of Mr. Piven’s symptoms and the medical treatment he received…blah, blah, blah…a mercury level reading of 57; a level well above the tolerable reference range of 10…blah, blah, fucking blah…Also relied on by the Arbitrator was the testimony of the Yale cardiologist treating Mr. Piven, who “emphatically told Piven that without ‘enforced rest’ he too could have a heart attack”…blah, Christ Almighty, blah…Based on the findings in the legal proceedings that took place, there is no basis for the Village Voice to defame my client by stating directly and by implication that my client had no basis to leave the play Speed-the-Plow.

At which point, we remind Mr. Piven’s brain trust that Musto did, in fact, refer to Mr. Piven’s basis for leaving the play, and if we find humor in that reason, there’s not a thing His Royal Highness Mr. Fish Eater can do about it. Suck it, Piven.

But we don’t want to ruin the ending:

On behalf of my client, I hereby demand that you immediately issue a retraction and apology to my client. We are also requesting that you immediately remove the Article from your blog or any other internet site. If this matter is not resolve [sic] to my client’s satisfaction, then you will be acting at your own peril.

The guy represents Jeremy Piven, and he talks to us of acting? Please.

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