If there’s anything that reasonably makes older folk fear the future, it’s when they struggle to keep up with the rapidly changing pace of technology. Adaptation, as we know, is crucial to survival. It prevents those younger than everyone else from vetting them out of society via natural selection — old age and treachery will only take one so far. Which is why the following video of a cute child should concern you. For your life.
One of the guys associated with online hosting company Laughing Squid posted a video today of his daughter’s first experience with the iPad. “Do you like new toys?” the girl’s father asks. Before he has time to process any kind of verbal confirmation, she snatches the iPad from her father’s hand, and in her clutches, and operates it with a veterans ease, as if it’s a natural ligament. It’s like that scene in Full Metal Jacket where Private Pyle shoots a gun for the first time. This is insane.
She is cruel. Her demands for the technology are swift and relentless. Early on, she intones that she wants “the one with the camera,” echoing a loud, angry consensus that the iPad’s lack of photography utility is a crucial flaw of the machine (thus impressing upon the world a seasoned tech critic waiting to be hired — Alexa Tsotis, protect yo neck). She moves blocks of letters skillfully into place, the way one would decide where to shift cargo containers on the dime, or more likely, populations of enslaved adult-people into their various refugee and/or labor camps. She pops virtual bubbles with disturbingly good aim, and then clears rows of virtual bubble wrap with the swipe of a finger. In twenty years, these will be war games, or even worse, the way in which this adorable little girls uses telekinesis to pop your head like a bubblegum bubble. This girl is the future, and the future is efficient, and not just efficient, but technologically savvy, and not just technologically savvy, but of mind meld with the machine. She is quicker, smarter, faster, fiercer, and knows how to use an iPad after five minutes with it. In other words, get with the times, grandpa, or you don’t stand a chance. She’s going to crush you with her mind like she’s gliding through her maiden voyage with the technology that’s supposed to save everything, except let us assure you, loading the “Face Smash” telekinesis app will inevitably take less time in her brain than it will in that machine. Yes. You should be scared.
Also, if you don’t know how to use an iPad after two minutes with it, you’re a dumbass.