People With Money: Think Banks, Not Suitcases


Why are suitcases full of money so fraught with trouble?

Sometimes they’re not even real.

Sometimes they are real and need to be delivered to the kidnappers by midnight, but your friend (played by John Goodman) sticks his nose in your business and gums up the works.

And sometimes the suitcase is real, and your wife has taken care to sew money — maybe your life savings — protectively into its lining (and never tell you about it, because that’s how wives are), until suddenly you are possessed by a fleeting wave of do-goodness and donate that suitcase to charity, cash and all. You return home feeling fortified and spiritually cleansed, and then your wife breaks the news: “There was $100,000 sewn into the lining of that suitcase you donated, honey.”


You turn around to retrieve your suitcase o’ money — surely the donations chap will understand, and you can always give him the Tumi instead — but it’s already gone! Sold to some lucky fellow who didn’t know he was getting the best suitcase of his life.

Fortunately for our suitcase-donating friend, the story ends semi-happily: Police have recovered most of the money. No word about his relationship with his wife.

But, people, a bit of advice: Try banks. Failing that, here are 5 places to stash your life savings before you turn to an old suitcase:

• Hide it in that bag of frozen peas you use for icing your knee after vigorous exercise.
• Bury it somewhere in the lawn. Don’t mark the spot, in case people are watching.
• Give it to your ex-con brother-in-law, the one who’s starting the in-home vitamin supplement business.
• Store it with your pot in that Old Bay tin.
• Feed it to the cat.

By the way, if you have a suitcase of money story that ends in joy or numbness instead of tears and police action, please share. We’re working on a theory.