Dear Mexican: I’ve dated a few Mexican girls in the past couple of years and I’ve come to realize one big, important thing—most of the girls didn’t know how to cook, clean, and, you know . . . bring that ol’ school Mexican flavor from the roots! What’s happening to all our true mexicanas? I know times are changing and all, but most of these girls nowadays think it should be a “mutual responsibility.” Am I being selfish? Maybe it was the way I was raised or the paisa neighborhood I live in where I see every Mexican man have their dinner prepared at the table and their shirts smelling like Downey made a new fragrance for men? I feel sorry for the next generation of pendejos because they’re going to be the ones wearing the thongs in the long run! I guess I could just take a trip down to Mexico somewhere, find me an all-around fina Latina and bring her up here to Los Estados Unidos, ¿que no? —Buscando El Real Sabor Mexicana
Dear Macho Wab: Of course you’re being selfish, but don’t take it from me. A 2005 survey released by the California-Mexico Health Initiative UC MEXUS (CMHI University of California Institute for Mexico and the United States) titled, “Intimate Partner Violence and Depression Among Rural Mexican Women” found, “The unequal distribution of household chores was mentioned as a detonator of aggression for women who considered they were working a higher load than their partners” and that “All the participants mentioned that they would like their partners to participate in household chores.” En other words—you might look fondly on the days mami and your sisters did everything for you, from making your bed to washing the skidmarks on your chonis and having a new pot of beans every morning, but did you ever ask them if they needed help? And ever wonder why the only thing Mexican men in the world fear more than la migra is an angry, frustrated mujer? Mexican women may have it programmed in their culturo-gender identity to assume most of the household responsibilities, but trust me: A good relationship entails men also do some chores, and such equality ensures you more ol’ school mexicana flavor south of the border, if you know what I’m saying. . . .
Would Mexico be a more stable, progressive, modern country if Spain had prevailed? Look at the cities they built in Mexico compared to areas that were developed after the Spanish were defeated. And were the ruling Spanish more corrupt, or is that more of a modern thing? —Don’t Know Much about History—Or Anything
Dear Gabacho: Huh? Few of Mexico’s major cities achieved their current fame until long after the gachupines sailed their sorry asses back across the Atlantic. The great exception was Mexico City, but it was better and more sustainable as Tenochtitlán—only the ingenuity of the mestizos and los chavos de Tepito y Neza made Mexico City the worldwide powerhouse it now is. And Mexico would’ve probably been worse off if it was still a Spanish territory—it was the encomienda and castas system, coupled with the mordida method of bribery, that led to most of the institutional problems Mexico has today. Nice legacy to go with all those cathedrals they built, ¿qué no?
FINAL REMINDER: The Cinco de Mayo edition of this columna will list all the regional anti-Mexican slurs ustedes have submitted. I’ve received submissions from Santa Barbara to San Angelo and even North Carolina, but surely there are more. Submit your regional slur no later than April 27 to make sure your barrio beaner babadas get national recognition!