Open Letter to Mike Huckabee: Kids Are Not Puppies, and Not Pet Rocks Either


Thank you, Mike Huckabee, for informing us that children are not puppies, and therefore should not be adopted by gay couples.

Because we always thought kids looked a lot like puppies, what with their scrunchy noses and faces and their chubby wubby cheeks, and all that fur! And puppies are dog kids, and sometimes they wear clothes. So you can’t really blame us for being confused.

But, you’re right: Kids are not puppies! And kids are also not any of the following, regardless of how much we wish they were, because then they might shut up for a few minutes and we could get some sleep.

• Children are not pet rocks. But, pet rocks can be kids!

• Children are not accessories. Unless you are Angelina Jolie. Girl, you look good!

• Children are not tiny individuals who want to be dressed up in sheep costumes. Except that it’s sooooo cute! Practice self-control, people.

• Children are not Albert Einstein. (We don’t think.)

• Children are not a free meal, no matter how delicious they look. Even if you are really, really hungry. Trust us. Not a good idea.

• Nor are kids miniature chefs.

Finally, Huckabee, children are not you. Because there’s a kid out there who will someday be our future president. And you … well … just sayin’.