Living

Can’t Get a Date? Stop Watching the News

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Hey, all you single gals! Finding it hard to get a date in the city? Tired of spending lonely nights weeping into your Chubby Hubby ice cream (so harsh, that name!) watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (there are two, you know) and confabbing with your gal pals about whether you’re actually an emotional lesbian because there are zero good dudes left?

Thank goodness we have NBC New York to help us out. (Sorry, guys…they took the video down–wonder why.)


NEWS FLASH:

“If you’re a woman looking for love in and around New York City, don’t worry–you’re not alone. For many women, finding Mr. Right is getting harder and harder.”

Because, you know, it’s tough out there. The guys that you find in bars … they can always find other girls! So, like, there’s no stability. Plus, every guy wants “bigger, taller, bigger boobs, bigger bank account, blonder hair…” And there are 200,000 more single women in New York City than men! It’s a jungle out there! Scientific researchers estimate that 1 million men in New York are so stubborn “they can’t even say hello to a girl.” Whatever is to be done?

Take heart, because with a handful of “secret tips” from a “dating expert” you may just find yourself a man.

1. Believe you look like Megan Fox, even if you’re more of a Susan Boyle/Joe Pesci type. Confidence, ladies!

2. Don’t cover your “natural scent” with a shitload of perfume, cause humans are really just animals who wear clothes, and that gorilla wants to sniff your butt.

3. In fact, don’t wear clothes, particularly if your wardrobe consists of washable silk/poly-blend shirts and business-lady suits from Ann Taylor Loft.

4. Take a lesson from Beyonce–after all, she snagged herself Jay-Z against tremendous odds–start out as part of a R&B girl group, embark on a solo recording career, win 16 Grammys, star in movies, and repeatedly host Saturday Night Live. Done.

5. Finally, stop watching this crap. Or giving interviews to reporters who ask you about what it’s like to date in the big, bad city. Please. It only makes us all look stupid.