Goldman Sachs to Fight Off SEC Charges with MARTIAL ARTS.


Among all the hullabaloo and noise being made over Goldman Sachs’ SEC charges that were announced this morning, little notice was taken of the most revealing expose on the massive banking organization to date (this week): the secrets housed inside their new BatCave of Money.

Yes! Hidden among the Wall Street Journal‘s headlines about how Goldman’s Getting It today, Susanne Craig reports on some of the wonderful details about how much the place cost ($2.1 billion), how many people work there (7,500), how many of those people have views of a universe outside the loins of Goldman (“Roughly 300”), and how many pounds of ice they have to make to cool the flames of hell building (1.7 million daily). But even better is where they’re training the warriors to have warrior-like bodies, by training in their awesome gym, after which they’ll KICK YOUR FACE IN HALF, get both sides a Triple-A credit rating, and make a cool mil off of it before lunch.

The 54,000-square foot gym, called the GS Wellness Exchange, has classes from 5:45 a.m. to 7:50 p.m. The new steam rooms for men and women are drawing mixed reviews. Some employees find the idea of “steaming” with co-workers objectionable. Others, not so much. “Once you have seen your colleagues naked in the locker room, steaming with them isn’t that weird,” says one employee.

Funny, you would think the threshold of “awkward” would’ve been broken that time you watched your colleagues fuck millions of people in the wallet, but: guess not. Meanwhile, it’s not just that they’re getting in shape, but they’re getting in shape to KICK YOUR FACE IN.

Guess what they have twelve of in said gym? No, really, guess:

“Classes in Goldman’s gym starting at 8 a.m. or earlier, including ‘Martial Arts Boot Camp.’ “

This is in addition to “Awesome Abs,” where you get to crunch your midsection before you crunch America’s credit. There is so, so, so much more you need to read. Don’t forget to memorize the line about the Mitch Albom book.