Text Off: Tiger Woods’ Rough Sex and Turkey Sandwich vs. ‘Twilight’ Turn-Ons


Just when you thought no one could top Tiger’s scintillating sexting, the New York Daily News uncovers a new contestant in the 2010 Cell Phone Casanova Contest.

Lovesick Bronx Deputy Chief Michael Gabriel stands accused of harassment for his Twilight-themed mini-missives to subordinate Detective Dawn DelValle-Sanchez. But whereas Tiger went hardcore with texts like, “I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you,” Gabriel tried a smoother, more sensual route, offering massages and apologizing when things went awry. Tiger got laid; Gabriel got in trouble. What gives?

The NYPD chief is already a punchline across the Internet, but something about him is oddly sweet, as far as sexual harassment goes. And even if he’s stuck on YA literature, at least he seems sincere:

“I ask for ur forgiveness and another chance (Think Bella forgiving Jacob),” texted Gabriel, repenting with a topical literary allusion.

“You are my fucking whore,” said Woods.

The golfer also didn’t know how to take responsibility for his own actions when things went south. “Don’t Fucking talk to me,” he texted. “You almost just ruined my whole life. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck.”

As for Gabriel? “I will accept any penalty; hard labor, probation, a time out. … Do werewolves kill humans just like vampires?”

Gabriel, 51, also invited DelValle-Sanchez, 34, to throw an object at him or call him names as a sort of penance for his come-ons, she said.

“No turkey unless it’s a club sandwich,” demanded Woods.

“I did not try to take advantage of our friendship or you in any way,” said Gabriel. “I tried to ease the physical pain I saw my close friend in.”

When this is all said and done, the Chief’s going to need a warm glass of milk and smooth Bon Iver jam. Maybe a nice backrub, since he seems to always be the one giving. Won’t you be his Bella?