Apropos of nothing, other than the fact that yesterday was the Simchat Torah of Marijuana Smokers worldwide (4-20) and also the sixth-to-last episode of Lost, what follows is a scientific estimation of naming habits as related to Lost by marijuana consumers worldwide.
EXPLAINING THE DATA: All data is an approximate estimation based on the following approximated research, which was done while I was walking home from Ryan’s after watching Lost last night. The graph was made using this awesome utility. Thank you National Center for Education Statistics, you’re awesome.
CHILLUMS: Can’t really get too “epic” with the purchase of a chillum, so an increase in names should be expected, but is likely to taper off once chillum owners who watch Lost begin to understand the power of the “Smoke Monster” and realize that a chillum isn’t exactly deserving of this kind of thing.
VAPORIZERS: Meanwhile, since vaporizers don’t smoke, period, the naming a vaporizer “Smokey” was always kinda funny, and maybe got a little funnier for a moment with the “Smoke Monster” coming to prominence, but mostly tapered off once the Smoke Monster killed Mr. Eko, because you know vaporizer owners really sympathized with him, because most of them will religiously assert the “healthy” ownership of a vaporizer, and Mr. Eko probably speaks to them, because he was kinda insane. Honestly I didn’t even really watch many of the Mr. Eko episodes, nothing against him.
PIPES: Pipe owners are most likely to name their respective smoking apperati silly shit because when you’re in 10th grade a pipe is often the first “piece” you buy. However…
BONGS: …They soon learn to respect the awful power of hard American Pyrex and/or handblown glass, especially in regards to the sanctity of naming something you spent $250 on, the only design of which is to get you severely fucked up, which a bong (supposedly, I wouldn’t know, I’m allergic to dope, but) most definitely will do.
CONCLUSION: RYAN WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THOSE NOODLES? Also, sometimes, Wednesdays happen. Roll with it.