News & Politics

When the Children Are All Obese, We Will Finally Have Peace


No, this is not Runnin’ Scared’s second entry into Mayor Bloomberg’s “Poetweet” contest. It’s actually a thing. For real. Mission: Readiness, a nonprofit group of retired military leaders, is very concerned about kids becoming “too fat to fight.” So concerned that they issued a 16-page report calling for Congress to get involved in legislation to counter the fatpidemic. (They didn’t say “fatpidemic.”)

According to the report, more than 9 million young adults — 27 percent of all Americans age 17 to 24 — are too overweight to join the military. People in Alabama, for example, would have to lose an average of 46 pounds per person to reach a normal weight (and we can say that, because we know from Alabama).

Weight problems, in fact, are the main medical reason that recruits are rejected.

“We believe that the child obesity issue is so serious it has become a threat to our national security,” said Lieutenant General Norman R. Seip.

But while it’s no surprise that an inordinate number of kids (and parents, for that matter) are fat, what we didn’t know was that such obesity might mean an end to war! Still, it makes sense, right? If you’re holding a burger with bacon and blue cheese in one hand and a delicious chocolate milkshake in the other, you’re hardly about to pick up a gun and shoot someone.

What if this was what John Lennon had in mind when he penned the lyrics to “Imagine”?

Imagine there’s no countries … It isn’t hard to do … Nothing to kill or die for … And no religion too … Imagine all the people … Living life in peace…

Sounds nice, right? There’s more.

Imagine no possessions … I wonder if you can … No need for greed or hunger … A brotherhood of man … Imagine all the people … Sharing all the world…

If overweight youngsters mean no nukes forever, we say, eat on, you crazy kids.

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