Ben Roethlisberger Gets in End Zone, Only Lightly Penalized


We used to think Frank Coffey was the funniest man in fake-sports news until we saw his headline on the Ben Roethlisberger decision: Roethlisberger To Sell Girl Scout Cookies Door-to-Door.

Now we’re wondering if the NFL isn’t funnier. Roethlisberger, who has twice been involved in allegations of sexual assault, is off the legal hook for the most recent incident in Milledgeville, Georgia, after the local district attorney said that the charges could not be proved beyond a reasonable doubt (though his accuser hasn’t publicly backed off her statement that Big Ben is guilty).

The NFL’s official statement was reprinted on

Commissioner Roger Goodell’s letter to Roethlisberger said, in part, “As the District Attorney concluded, the investigatory record shows that you contributed to the irresponsible consumption of alcohol by purchasing (or facilitating the purchase of) alcoholic beverages for underage college students …”

Rothlisberger’s “punishment” from the NFL — and quotes should be put around that word — is a six-game suspension, though “the suspension could be extended or reduced based on Roethlisberger’s progress.” Meaning exactly what? If Roethlisebrtger isn’t accused of rape in the meantime he’ll be allowed to return to the Steelers after just four games? That’s what we’re betting.