An Open Letter to Recent Victims of “Date Robbery”


Hey, Rich Guys!

We know how you feel.

We know that when you go out to the bars and clubs to socialize gentlemanly after a long, hard week, you’re often quite timid about meeting the ladies. You are shy, classy fellows. You don’t enjoy showing off your expensive watch, or your 24K gold lavalier and matching diamond encrusted pinky ring, or your casually worn American Express Black. Or your freakin’ awesome Miami tan. You never drop hints about where you work (hedge fund!), how much money you make (a lot!), or how the ladies just throng to you, goodness knows why (well, they do).

You are humble, especially considering that you own mansions and boats all over the Eastern seaboard. You’ll never be caught acting like your shit doesn’t stink — even though, frankly, it doesn’t. You’re also very careful about how many bottles of bottle service you order, and you take great pains to conscientiously introduce yourself and converse meaningfully with each woman who joins you at your table at the strip club — or who partakes in a collegial round of lemon drop shots — to ensure she hails from a good family, attends church regularly, and behaves, to the utmost, as a lady should.

That’s why it’s so upsetting when something like this vile “date-robbing” occurs! I mean, it’s fine for you to present a lady or seven with money or trinkets or booze under the tacit agreement that there will be fair pay in return (in accordance with feminist principles, of course). Especially when those young felines are wearing thigh-skimming dresses and vermilion lipstick! But when unscrupulous, craven beasts who don’t deserve to claim the name “woman” wrest it from you without your consent, via a cocktail of smooth talk, breasts, and rohypnol — it is violating! It is shameful! It is unjust!

(Particularly when they aren’t even that attractive and don’t have the common decency to slip in a quickie or a B.J. and instead just rob you and leave you to lie in bed with your clothes on!)

We can only tell you what we’d tell a woman who found herself in a similar situation. It’s not your fault. You did nothing to deserve this, and we commend you on your bravery for speaking out. When you’re ready — and only when you’re ready — think about going out with a few trusted friends, or maybe even your wife, next time. Safety in numbers. Plus, that bitch is tough!

Love (but not if it makes you feel funny),

Runnin’ Scared