The Met’s New Roof Garden Exhibit: No Pumps, Drunks, or Fatties


Just in time for the deep freeze, the Met has a new roof garden exhibit, the Beastie Boys-influenced “Big Bambú: You Can’t, You Don’t, and You Won’t Stop,” by identical twins Doug and Mike Starn.

As the name might indicate, it’s a whole mess of bamboo: a 100-foot-long, 50-foot-wide, 50-foot-high structure made of 5,000 interlocking 30- and 40-foot-long bamboo poles, tied together with 50 miles of nylon rope. Which sounds exhausting.

It’s an ongoing project that “will continue to be constructed throughout the duration of the exhibition,” says the Met. (So it’s not even done yet, kinda like that kitchen reno.) In the second phase,

The artists and rock climbers will build up the eastern portion of the sculpture to an elevation of 50 feet. By summer, the western portion of the sculpture will be about 40 feet high. An internal footpath artery system will grow along with the structure, facilitating its progress.

All of this sounds interesting, but more like exercise than art (there are heights of up to 110 feet, and uneven walking surfaces). Also, it might be hot, without water or shade, the museum warns. And dangerous. As such, there are some specific guidelines:

• no heels, flip-flops, sandals, or leather-soled shoes
• no crutches, canes, or walkers
• you have to be 10 or over and at least 48 inches tall
• you must weigh less than 400 pounds
• you can’t be drunk or intoxicated (depressed or sedated is fine)

Which begs the question: Why not just hang out in Central Park with a nice cold 40 and your short, hefty friends? Met, we hate when you discriminate.

The exhibition is made possible by Bloomberg. And, yes, The Roof Garden Cafe and martini bar also returns this year. Which means they are officially taunting us.