As our sister-wives over at L.A. Weekly have reported, May brings us many good things — flowers and sunshine and spring, and even our own carpal-tunnel-based, self-focused series of chronological days… aka Masturbation Month.
Now, simply because every single day starting at midnight tonight and going on and on and on until 11:59:59 p.m. on May 31 is a day (or hour, or minute, or whatever time increment suits your perverted little needs) in which you may masturbate, that doesn’t mean you have to, or even should. For Mongolian-American history month, for example, we merely enjoyed a nice pu pu platter, and for Secretary’s Day we did absolutely nothing.
Still, we’re sure some of you will feel inspired to do a little celebrating, and we wanted you to feel okay about that. ‘Cause there’s a lot of confusing information out there. Some people want you to feel bad about masturbating. They tell you hair will grow on the palms of your hands, and you’ll be struck dumb and blind and incontinent and drooly, and then you’ll die and go to hell, where you’ll be forced to give Satan hand jobs for eternity.
Thank goodness we stumbled upon About.com’s Guide to Sexuality when we couldn’t sleep in the middle of the night and had to get up for some warm milk and a bit of banana buffing. Cause it turns out, that Satan part is totally not true, Grandma!
By far the most commonly practiced sexual behavior around the world, masturbation has gone from being ignored to being vilified, from a mental illness to a tool of women’s empowerment, celebrated with its very own month of the year.
Yet there remains a great deal of ignorance and misinformation regarding masturbation. Take a first step towards a happy masturbation month by clearing your mind of any myths about masturbation you may still be holding on to.
But then we had a few questions. Hooray for HealthyStrokes.com, “a site about masturbation and you!” that’s brought relief to some 7 million anxious masturbators-to-be. There, we uncovered the following:
A dildo is an object shaped like a penis that some women use for masturbating. A vibrator is an electric appliance that some women use for masturbating. It’s a good idea to masturbate with your hands for a few years before using objects or vibrators.
Masturbation is supposed to be a solo activity.
It is a biological necessity for males to eliminate the sexual fluids their bodies produce. It is also believed that masturbation keeps a male’s sperm in better condition for reproduction. But females only do it because it’s fun.
There is no society on earth where the women masturbate more than the men.
Finally, feeling a little bit guilty about all of your pickle-painting is perfectly normal! It’s a healthy emotional response that God created in us to ensure propagation of the species. Cause…
If everyone were happy and satisfied by masturbating, there would be no reason to mate with other people and produce offspring. So feeling a little guilty about masturbation from time to time is normal and perhaps good for the human race.
So, there you go. Feel guilty, but not too guilty, know your dildo from your vibrator, be a man, and cuff the carrot already. Just not while you’re reading us. Ew.