On this fine Friday, we turn our thoughts from food to follicles. Among the many, many reasons to watch televised cooking shows are the coiffures sported by their hosts and contestants. Top Chef wouldn’t be Top Chef without its dependable supply of fauxhawks and Sapphic mullets, or, for that matter, Tom’s maddening soul patch, which seems less like facial hair than a vestigial organ. Given that Top Chef and all of its expensively produced cohorts have platoons of hairdressers and folks whose job it is not to make stars look like shit, the sheer survival instinct of the following specimens is all the more remarkable. So here, without further ado, is a photo retrospective of TV’s most notable follicular offenders:
10. Wylie Dufresne, Top Chef Masters. Ambrose Burnside by way of the A/V club.
9. Hubert Keller, Top Chef Masters. Gandalf wants YOU to to fetch him a squeeze bottle.
8. Duff Goldman, Ace of Cakes. Goatee or misplaced vagina? Possibly both.
7. Josie Smith-Malave, Top Chef Season 2. Sapphic mullet with apologies to Pepe Le Pew.
6. Anne Burrell, Secrets of a Restaurant Chef. What happens when chickens encounter a ceiling fan. Actually, this may be Guy Fieri.
5. Richard Blais, Top Chef Season 4. Ed Grimley copyright infringement lawsuit still pending.
4. Marcel Vigneron, Top Chef Season 2. What might happen if Wolverine had his way with Grandpa Munster and a guinea pig.
3. Mario Batali, Spain: On the Road Again. Business in the front, Steely Dan roadie in the rear.
2. Guy Fieri, Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. Actually no worse than anything else about Guy Fieri, but still definitive evidence we are in End Times.
1. Tom Colicchio, Top Chef. Bald is beautiful. Frat boy flavor-savers, not so much.