I hear Lady Gaga’s in the house tonight for the Cinco de Mayo installment of the results show, and hopefully singing a Frank Sinatra song. Or duetting with Harry Connick, Jr. That would be awwwwesome.
9:03pm. Group sing: the four boys sing “The Lady is a Tramp” and does that make Crystal Bowersox the tramp? Aaron Kelly then opens “It Was a Very Good Year” in the season’s most ironic assignment: “When I was 17…” Crystal seems like she’s the only one signing live through “I’ve Got the World on a String.” Then there are a few more Sinatra songs–I’m sure you can imagine what it’s like.
9:09pm. Some exhilarating news: Next week’s theme is “Songs of the Cinema” with guest mentor Jamie Foxx.
9:10pm. The Ford Music Video, pits the four boys opposite Crystal in a love affair that might include a car fetish.
9:11pm. So this next segment explains how they pad a whole hour of results at this point in the season. What did the Top 5 used to do on Tuesdays before Idol? Crystal would play with her baby, Mike would work out, Lee would pour paint, and Aaron would go to school. Now, they kind of still do the same thing. But they wake up early, have burritos and tater tots for breakfast, get made up for seven hours, and go to dress rehearsal with some creepy/awesome judge impersonators. Who are they and how do I meet those people?!?
9:14pm. Ugh I am so annoyed with Mike Lynche and his stupid hats.
9:16pm. Lee is first to reach safety in the results spiel. No surprises there. Ryan sends him to the stools. What’s with that? The stools are never safe! But on Sinatra night, anything goes.
9:23pm. Gaga is performing in a burnt forest and does the usual: Starts at the piano crooning “Bad Romance” to remind everyone she went to college for music, and then switches into the absolutely ridiculous song “Alejandro.” How is ABBA not suing for copyright infringement? It’s like “Fernando” and “La Isla Bonita” wrapped up in one. “Just let me go!” Gaga yells out in an accent I’m not even going to dignify by saying is Spanish. Men seem to be dancing with one another in the background. On American Idol? Nice. “Ali jali jandro. Ali jali jandro.”
9:32pm. A video montage about why Harry Connick, Jr. is the best mentor this show has ever seen. “The word ‘pitchy’ does not exist, judges. So stop saying that.” This guy is hilarious. “The whole ‘I have a baby’ thing. Mike, just drop it, for real.” To Aaron Kelly: “Wipe that stupid smirk off your face!” Funny ’cause it’s true!
9:35pm. HCJ sings “And I Love Her” in the creepiest way imaginable. His head is bowed the whole time, and he only looks up with his eyes in a pained, Chuck Bass kind of way. It feels like he’s singing to his child bride.
9:38pm. Kara gives HCJ a standing ovation and reveals that she’s wearing mom jeans. The Top 5 come out and do another group sing, to only Harry’s songs. Two group sings in one show? It’s like we won the lottery!
9:40pm. A mild complaint about Lee DeWyze: Where are his vacant eyes looking when he sings?
9:41pm. Does Harry Connick, Jr. store his sheet music in a giant Kindle?
9:44pm. He just wrapped a long and involved and charming story about the first time he met Sinatra, in which Sinatra was a total womanizing drunk to HCJ’s then-girlfriend now-wife.
9:45pm. After this ad for Iron Man 2, I just realized that I might have always been confusing Harry Connick, Jr. and Robert Downey, Jr. Is that weird?
9:49pm. Crystal is sent to the piano. Michael is sent to a different part of the stage. Aaron joins Big Mike. Casey joins Crystal. Oooh the suspense! Mike and Aaron are the Bottom 2!
9:56pm. Aaron Kelly is going home. Mike whispers something long and deep in Aaron’s ear, like “Always treat your girlfriend good, man.” In the video montage we find out that Aaron is magic and can move Coke cans with his eyes! Oh, if only we knew that before, we might have voted. Aaron closes the show with last night’s selection, “Fly Me to the Moon.”