News & Politics

Elvis Presley Died Because He Couldn’t Poo

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This is truly tragic. And drives home the point that regular bowels are not something to be ashamed of, people! Poo is precious!

Fair, balanced, fiber-eating Fox News reports in an exclusive (expoosive? Sorry) that the King actually died of constipation, not cardiac arrhythmia.

Dr. George “Nick” Nichopoulos, Elvis’s longtime friend and doctor, said

Presley’s colon was 5 to 6 inches in diameter (whereas the normal width is 2 to 3 inches) and instead of being the standard 4 to 5 feet long, his colon was 8 to 9 feet in length.

“At the autopsy we found stool in his colon which had been there for four or five months because of the poor motility of the bowel,” said Nichopoulos.

Oh God. Please don’t mention centipedes.

Also, sometimes Elvis would have accidents onstage. Which is especially a problem when wearing white, we imagine.

We can’t decide what’s worse: dying by choking on your own vomit, dying on a toilet, or dying and then having your “doctor/friend” tell everyone you couldn’t shit.

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