The Handwriting Analysts Have Spoken: Faisal Shahzad Is Hostile


Since Faisal Shahzad has been uncovered as a terrorist “evildoer” all bets are off — which means some media professionals have published pictures from his Facebook page (except, oops, that wasn’t really his Facebook page), and reporters have been going through his trash hoping to find his old retainers, and even his resume — “objective: to work in a high-energy and challenging business environment” — is making the rounds, as if he expects to get hired now, what with unemployment as it is today…

And then, someone at the Daily News decided to call the handwriting expert. Let no stone be unturned! (Thanks, guys, for doing this, because our usual handwriting guy is at a yoga retreat in Tulum and is totally not responding to our calls! We’re so firing him when he gets back.)

Beyond our belief that handwriting analysis is a completely bullshit science (has anyone done Faisal’s astrological chart, paying special attention to his moon sign?), what do you think a “handwriting expert” is going to say about the signature of someone who just tried to blow up Times Square?

Still, the results are satisfying in an obvious kind of way:

Faisal Shahzad’s handwriting on a 2004 condo sale agreement unmasks him as a hostile, self-destructive, arrogant man, an expert said Wednesday.

“He’s angry at everybody and he’s lashing out at the world,” says expert Bart Baggett, a forensic document examiner and author of Handwriting Analysis 101.

Well, like, no duh! He was involved in a condo sale. That’s not happiness-making.

Also, Faisal’s “ticks” (tiny marks where the pen has dragged) indicate aggression, hatred, and an anger with regard to religion and ideology. Only signing his first name means he’s proud, and using a lot of pressure on the pen shows the kind of determination a person would need to put a bomb in Times Square. Finally, signing your name “Lisa L” when your name is actually Faisal Shahzad means you’re coo-coo crazytown.

Us next, Baggett!