The Runnin’ Scared Anti-Mother’s Day Gift Guide


We’ve been deluged with offers and coupons and reminders that it’s Mother’s Day on Sunday, so we better get our mom something, quick! And while we love our mom (hey, Mom!), we have to admit that Mother’s Day is not at the tippy-top of our list of things to celebrate. We’re still on Cinco de Mayo, if you must know.

Yeah, we’ll give her a call, and if we’d thought about it earlier in the week we might have sent a card, but all of that paper production is bad for the trees anyway. We’ll probably try to visit soon, because it’s really us that she wants to see, instead of some “gift” that doesn’t mean anything special, you know?

However, Hallmark and the related holiday-industry-hogging businesses are not on board with this concept, and have been harassing us with ideas for what we should give our mothers on their very special day. Come on, guys: Mom herself was the one who taught us that an inappropriate gift is a crap gift.

As such, here’s a handy guide of what NOT to give the mom in your life, lest she go for the wooden spoon, you naughty, naughty boy.

1. A thong. Okay, so we like underwear, and fine lingerie, and such. But despite offers to “get a free thong” for Mother’s Day if we spend enough cash at the drawer-store, we are not enticed. Nor would Mom be, which we know because we gave her a g-string for Christmas once when we weren’t very smart, and she said that it “hurt her butt.” TMI.

2. Prescription drugs.

We’re as happy as you are when these come our way, and maybe Mom is too, but regardless of how much you prefer her when she’s blissed out on the Klonopin, we suggest keeping the pills for your own use, perhaps when you go visit.

3. A pregnancy. You’re thinking to yourself: What Mom really wants is a grandchild, right? Her own genes writ small, handed down through the generations? That’s what she’s been bugging you about since you turned 30, right? Unfortunately, the reaction is never quite what we hoped for when we walk in and tell her we got knocked up by Fred… Ed… Billy Bob… orwhatever-his-name-was from the prison rodeo.

4. A “Mom’s Watercan” from Incredible Edibles. Why? Do you have to ask?

Nor should you be convinced by the multi-purpose facility of the “Mother’s Day Candle”:

Sweet Red Ripe Strawberries and Golden Pineapple Hearts are just for starters. Once the fruit is finished, Mom still has a wonderful candle to burn.

After which she will go after you.

5. An iPad. She already has one.

6. A personalized spoof on YouTube, in which you wear a red wig and speak in a fake Long Island accent, mocking her mercilessly (and hilariously) throughout.

7. A new wooden spoon, the kind she wants with the spikes on the back. What, are you stupid?

8. A homemade IOU

for a back massage, plus a luxury shopping trip where she can totally splurge — on you, just like she loves to do! This is one situation where you should actually shell out for the real thing.

9. A brand new dust buster. No, not even the 14.4-volt kind with “extreme suction Cyclonic action.”

10. Nothing, because the best gift would be for you to be nice to her on Mother’s Day. Yeah, we’ve heard that one before… just before we got grounded.