9:00pm. The stupid movie-style opening credits sequence explains that this show “stars” Crystal Bowersox, Lee DeWyze, etc. In clips from last night, the judges are all raving about performances. Ok, what show were they watching?
9:03pm. Special Guests: Bon Jovi! Daughtry! And Fantasia! I hope Fantasia’s performance is better than last year, when she basically ran around the stage yelling “Yeah!” “Come on!” “Woo!”
9:04pm. Well that’s quick, here’s Fantasia. Guess she has something to do after. So far the only word is “Ohhhh.” Outlook not good. Ok, no, here’s words. She pushes out her chorus “When I think about you” like she’s trying to make a stool sample. Ooh, a spoken middle. She’s wearing like a sparkly circus ringleader’s tux jacket, though it really could have used longer tails.
9:08pm. Fantasia’s little daughter is 9 years old! I have been following this show WAYYYY too long. Oh god, I’m ancient. Wait, Fantasia was on Season 3 and her daughter was 2. That would make her daughter 8, no? Looks like not knowing how to spell isn’t Fantasia’s only problem…
9:11pm. Let me follow all that up by saying I really love Fantasia. And something about her performance was totally old school, like something I grew up on on Lite FM. That’s good!
9:12pm. “Put the message in the box. Put the box into the Ford.” Why is Mike always the one who’s driving?
9:14pm. A video montage of past Top 3 Idols who visited home. Ryan then asks Mike what he’d do when visiting home if he makes it. He says visiting his puppy. Is that a nickname for his wife?
9:15pm. Crystal’s shirt is super-cute. Two penguins holding hands. Everyone seems not to understand that when they go home, they won’t be having private-time.
9:16pm. Tonight the “families” are on stage.
9:17pm. Crystal tells us that Once is her favorite movie ever.
9:19pm. Casey is safe. ?!#$?@>!
9:25pm. Daughtry doing bald “rock” stuff.
9:34pm. Results. Ryan starts with Mike. If he says Mike is safe right now I’m gonna poop my pants.
9:36pm. Nope, no actual results. Ryan recaps Lee and Crystal, too.
9:37pm. Lee is safe. Mike vs. Crystal!
9:42pm. Someone from the audience is holding a sign that says “Bon Jovi performs tonight!” Really?
9:44pm. This song totally sounds like that other Bon Jovi song.
9:53pm. The last person in the Top 3 is Crystal. Phew! Her and Mike’s respective families just shook hands as if they lost a bet or something. Mike’s wife looks miserable. Now someone tell me, what good is the judges’ save, really?
9:55pm. Mike’s video. Remember when his baby was born? And he didn’t spend any time with his new baby? And for what? Ugh, he’s always picking people up! And singing about loving women. Aw, that’s a little baby!
9:56pm. Kara tells Mike to “keep gigging.” He closes with a reprise of “Will You Be There.”