Yay for us ladies! Now we can encase our entire bodies in spandex in order to tame those unsightly wrinkles and bulges — giving us the appearance of a woman at least 10 pounds slimmer and many moons more successful — before we plaster our clothes on top for a nice little decoupage effect.
That’s right, perennial woman-squisher Spanx is now offering a line of shapewear shirts! Shut up! There’s even a turtleneck for those of us with gouty necks!
Look for Spanx “On Top and In Control” (mmm hmmm), retailing between $68 and $118 an item. The multi-faceted goods can be layered if you have real problems, or simply “worn alone for a smooth and slim upper half.”
The newest addition to the Spanx family, which launched in 2000 with footless tights, continues the brand’s spot at the forefront of the shapewear revolution, bringing us ever closer to a full body suit distributing the pudge exactly — and only — where we need it.
We await the full-body head-to-toe compression suit with great anticipation. Because our ears could use a little help.
But seriously, our biggest problem with shapewear, besides it limiting quick exits and the gentle touch of a cool breeze across overheated skin, is … what happens when you take it off?