If only every day’s news could start out like this. Why is the universe obsessed right now with a misspelling of our neighbors to the north, swashbuckling scalawags, and the Prince of Nottingham Forest?
1. Canadians are different from Canadiens, Montreal’s hockey team, who beat the Pittsburgh Penguins in the NHL Eastern Conference finals to go to the Stanley Cup finals. Maybe because it’s always cold in Canada and it’s May and who plays hockey in May but Canadians? More importantly, this is the first time in the history of the country that something so rad happened they found themselves presented with an opportunity to riot. So, really, this time: Blame Canada.
2. Pittsburgh must really be stinging from that hockey loss, because the first thing that comes up on Google is some guy named Homer shutting out their baseball team — the Pirates — too. He, however, played for Cincinnati. Which is maybe somehow worse?
3. Russell Crowe has that new Robin Hood movie coming out, and more important than this giving the hot-headed Australian prissyman an opportunity to reclaim his (apparently) Oscar-worthy glory again after director Ridley Scott babysat him in Gladiator, this is an opportunity for him to say ridiculous things to the press, who in turn will give him the opportunity to say ridiculous things.
While an objective (or rather: null) assessment of the day’s news cycle would open the path to it being a great day, actually reading it (and thus: being disappointed by it) would suggest otherwise. Today’s Google Trends are like a shiny candy shell egg that upon cracking yields a clear, viscous ooze of disappointment you could never imagine eating, no matter how well-seasoned. Clickable, but disappointing.