Elena Kagan’s Bat Mitzvah Now Being Probed for Potential Judicial Precedent


Since so much (read: nothing) is known about Elena Kagan and the White House has her under lock and key — with the possible exception of Lady Kaga’s new wardrobe supervisor — the Supreme Court nomination process seems to be going swimmingly for everyone but the press, who want to know substantial things about her, and their bosses, who likely don’t care for substantial things over things people will click on because they’re salacious. Like whether or not she’s a lesbian, whether or not she looks like Chaz Bono, and who her friends are.

We’ve now reached critical mass, however. And yes, the New York Times has done it for us:

Did you know!

1. Elena Kagan was Lincoln Square’s first bat mitzvah!

2. Couldn’t read from the haftarah or have her bat mitzvah on a Saturday morning, instead having to default to Friday night. Barriers: they get broken.

At her bat mitzvah, he said, “she spoke about Ruth, gave an analysis of the book and said what being a Bat Torah meant to her. Back then we didn’t call it a bat mitzvah, we called it a Bat Torah ceremony.”

[Bat Torah? Paging Chris Nolan: Kagan as the Activist Avenger!]

3. When she was 13, she was … really good, good friends with her classmates. Especially one of the boys:

Rabbi Riskin said he then decided to return to his dinner and was “walking upstairs when I heard sobs coming from the darkened sanctuary. It was the bar mitzvah boy crying. I spoke with him and brought him downstairs. I remember Elena Kagan walking over to him. She was his friend and had been invited to the dinner. She took over comforting him, and when I left them, he was sitting next to her at her table.”

Despite being evidence that someone will somehow, somewhere parse to mean “BEARD!” at least she didn’t walk over and tell him to “Suck it up: You’re a grown ass man, now! For the love of hashem, pull your shit together, pussyface!” And now you know what you already knew before: Kagan is Jewish, and is probably a nice person. And maybe or maybe not is going to move the Supreme Court to the far right because she believes the executive should be allowed to stomp your face in. Or not. And the Supreme Court nomination process gets stupider by the day. L’chayim.