14 Foods That Haven’t Yet Been Invented


Love fish sticks? Why not coat them in chocolate for superior deliciousness?

Chefs vie daily–in restaurants and, especially, on TV–to create striking new foods, with food scientists backing them up in industrial laboratories across the country. You’d think everything had already been invented. But it hasn’t. Here’s a collection of fantasy foods that have not yet been attempted, as far as we know, by anyone. Foodies: Get busy!

1. Chocolate covered fish sticks – Even though you loved them as a child, your interest in these crumb-crusted rods of dodgy fish has waned. Re-awaken it with a generous pouring of lovely dark chocolate.

2. Pizza ice cream – It would be easy enough to just throw a scoop or two of ice cream on a steaming hot pizza (It’s been done!), but why not do one better and actually incorporate a blender-pureed pepperoni slice into some otherwise unflavored homemade ice cream?

3. French fried salt – Let’s dispense with the questionable meat and poultry products hidden inside the breading in fast food restaurants. All we really want is the grease, salt, and crunch, so let’s just deep fry salt. It could be formed into funny shapes first.

4. Venison-flavored gum – Sadly, chewing gum flavors tend toward the sweet and fruity, and the market offers no examples of obvious savory possibilities like turkey with dressing, cheeseburger, poutine, and coq au vin (with extra coq, please!). Gum makers, take note.

5. Kidney crème brulee – Organ meats are currently in the vogue, but why hasn’t anyone thought of using them to make desserts? (Yes, we know the English enjoy kidney pie, but why the hell don’t they put some sugar in it?)

6. Square meat balls – Why are meatballs always round? When you sautee them in the pan, they brown unevenly, and get a dent on one side, like those babies that don’t wear helmets around. Please food engineers, make us a square meatball mold.

7. Pocket watermelon – The Japanese now have their beloved square watermelon, but what New Yorkers crave is a watermelon small enough to fit in their pockets, so they can be carried to sporting events or thrown at cars that honk to much outside their apartments.


The possibilities of pig’s milk have yet to be fully exploited.

8. Pig’s milk cheese – People drink cow’s milk, sheep’s milk, goat’s milk, camel’s milk, and soy’s milk, why not pig’s milk? So, chase one around the barnyard, get some milk, and make some cheese. Go ahead!

9. Artificial ramp flavor – Ramps are the flavor of the month here in New York, with farmers picking them wild for free and selling them to the rubes at one dollar per weed. What we need the other 11 months is an artificial ramp flavor to put in our mac and cheese, oil-and-vinegar salad dressing, and – oh, what the hell – homemade ice cream.

10. Dog jerky – If you lived in Korea or China, you could be making this now.

11. Bagel French toast – Bagels are so dense and thickly crusted, they don’t make their way into French toast. Besides, they’re breakfast already. But why not break out of the box by slicing them thinly, soaking them forever in egg wash, and making them into French toast? Now you’re thinking like a foodie!

12. Organic horse meat – Yes, we love our horses, but, unlike the French and Italians, we rarely eat them. The meat isn’t illegal, it just can’t be sold commercially, supposedly because it contains all sorts of antibiotics and hormones. So, find an organic farmer, and buy a hunk of her horse.

13. Licorice Jell-O – We’ve become so fatigued with the current Jell-O flavors, why doesn’t the manufacturer strike out into new territory? And think of the fruit you could fill your licorice Jell-O salad with! Pineapple, kiwi fruits, and, of course, mini marshmallows.

14. Frozen deep-fried llama-shaped organic quinoa fritters fortified with Omega-3 fatty acid – You could eat these every day and live to be over 100.