Some thoughts on last night’s American Idol results show:
— So Casey James is now back in the welcoming arms of total and complete obscurity. Nice one, America! High fives all around! I was vaguely terrified that Casey would somehow sneak his way into the top two, but no, no coup for mediocrity tonight. Nobody seemed the slightest bit surprised to see the dude get bounced, least of all Casey himself, so sanity prevailed all around. That guy hung around way, way longer than he should’ve, but he’s gone now, and that’s what matters. May we never have to behold his stubble/soul-patch combination ever again. (We’re stuck with Lee DeWyze’s stubble/soul patch combination for a little while longer, though.)
— Other things about Casey: He wears his hair in a motherfucking samurai bun ponytail and he texts smiley faces to his friends. Dead to me. Just dead.
— Casey’s big trip back home to Cool, Texas was just comedy all around. Great stuff. First: The Big Pink’s “Dominoes” soundtracks his arrival? The Big Pink! Getting paid! Also, he gets a big Friday Night Lights moment on his high school football field, but instead of making any wise tear-jerking speeches, he just kind of stares emptily off at the horizon. Some lady gets him to sign a dog, and I have to wonder: You do realize your dog doesn’t give a fuck about Casey James, right? I mean, right? Also: Casey’s mom looks like a wax statue! Horrible plastic surgery is not just for fading celebrities anymore! The one part I didn’t like was when he went to a hospital to thank doctors who helped him recover from some accident he never mentioned before. I mean, don’t those guys have actual doctoring to do? If I died on an operating table because my doctor was too busy accepting a signed Casey James guitar, I’d be pissed.
— Randy in blue glasses! Ellen in a pink tie! Everyone looking like clowns!
— You know what I never get tired of? People on TV talking about how much work it is to be on TV. Even if it’s true, fuck out of here with that.
— Next year, the Idol results show is supposedly going back to a half-hour, and thank god for that. This hour-long results show is simply not good TV, especially when there are only a few people left. Seacrest really dragged out that opening interview segment.
— Iggy Pop making some royalty money! The Idols all sang “Real Wild Child” in this week’s goofy Ford commercial. Personally, I preferred it when that song got used in the movie Problem Child. I don’t know if any of these Idols are real wild children. Has a single one of them ever taught a parrot to say “up yours”? (That’s the only part of Problem Child I remember other than John Ritter getting shot and the bullet hitting the hardened prune he had in his pocket for some reason, and I saw that movie like a million times.)
— Pretty jarring moment when a bunch of this season’s past contestants show up onscreen. I was fulminating about these people a few weeks ago, and now I don’t remember half these fools’ names.
— Perez Hilton should not, under any circumstances, be allowed to have protégés. I’m not even sure how some shit like that works. He made a big point of saying his new guy, Travis Garland, is better than Justin Timberlake, and no. He dances like he has to pee, he’s out of breath the entire time he’s onstage, and I think I saw a patch of skunk-hair on the side of his head. If anything, this little travesty was a nice reminder that winning on American Idol, whatever the show’s flaws, is still a better route to fame and glory than being discovered by Perez Hilton.
— Are black leather crustpunk vests a thing now? First Jay-Z wears one on SNL, and now Travis Garland has one. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten rid of all the ass-ugly clothes I wore in high school!
— Remember the three guys who try to mug Arnold Schwarzenegger at the beginning of The Terminator? They all play drums for Travis Garland now! I was wondering what happened to those guys!
— Also, Mr. T is apparently now the mayor of Toledo.
— Crystal and Lee, unlike Casey, both reacted like actual human beings to the pandemonium that surrounded their hometown arrivals, which was nice to see. I should point out that I live in Chicago and I had no idea it was Lee DeWyze Day or whatever. But Crystal’s hick-ass dad got to wear the Crystal t-shirt he’s probably had since before she was on TV, and Lee and his dad both broke down at the exact same part of “The Boxer”. Genuinely touching moments! I’m not immune!
— Both Crystal and Lee throw out the first pitch at baseball games– Crystal at a Toledo Mudhens game, Lee at a Cubs game. Crystal’s went way high, but Lee, as far as I could tell, actually fired off a strike. An omen for next week’s finals?
— What in the hell is a Mudhen anyway? Is that a real animal? Find a better name for your minor league baseball team, Toledo. Maybe Mayor T can help.
— Quick note to Crystal: You don’t get to talk about how your original song is the anthem for your hometown and how it gives your city hope. Unless you’re a rapper. Obviously.
— Justin Bieber was OK, I guess? I don’t really have anything to say about him. Well, no, that’s not true. Two things: Great synchronized dancing from the backup singers! Better than the actual dancers! Someone sign those dudes! Also: Bieber looked like Garth from Wayne’s World when he played that drum solo at the end. I’m saying that’s a good thing.
— If you’re the parent who let Casey James carry around your daughter like a stage prop when he was singing his final song, you lost.