Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets. I do this for one reason: knowledge is power.
Natural Bust Enlargement With Total Mind Power
Author:Donald L. Wilson, M.D.
Publisher: Total Mind Power Institute, Larkspur, California
The Cover Promises:
“How to use the other 90% of your mind to increase the size of your breasts.”
In As I Lay Dying William Faulkner called breasts “mammalian ludicrosities.” More recently, no less an authority than Roger Ebert declared them “the most beautiful naturally occurring shapes in nature.” Ebert wrote a Russ Meyer film and once praised Neve Campbell for having “wide, intelligent breasts,” so your Crap Archivist trusts him on this.
But what about those women who worry their breasts are neither wide nor intelligent enough to win the great critic’s thumbs-up? For their benefit, here’s a peek at the “Total Mind Power Technique” of Dr. Donald L. Wilson, as presented in the immortal Natural Bust Enlargement With Total Mind Power.
In the book Dr. Wilson spitballs together near-hypnotic suggestions, the “think” system from The Music Man, and hilarious quasi-erotic boob poetry like this:
(Seriously, this is not the jokey fancy of some Lorrie Moore character. This book exists.)
Wilson includes 33 pages of such bosom poesy. His technique demands you either tape-record yourself reading this stuff and then play it back, you zone out, or you enlist some companion to read it aloud to you. Imagine that companion fighting off the giggles when declaiming lines like these:
“At this moment, you taste the saltiness of the tropical water, and the taste reminds you that your breasts are increasing in size as each day goes by.”
“You look up at the sky, and you see a white cloud formation in the shape of your breasts which reminds you of how perfect you breasts can be.”
“The taste and redness of the apple reminds you of the red hormones which stimulate the fat and glandular cells of your breasts.”
That last one probably explains this photo:
Think about fruit long enough, and Wilson promises you’ll be a horn of plenty yourself.
Describing a patient, WIlson claims “After two months, she was, as she put it, ‘the size of oranges’ and at the end of three months ‘the size of grapefruits.'” He even brags that no friend or patient who has ever tried his system of softcore verse has ever been dissatisfied with the results.
This is disturbing. Early on, he writes, “Because so much importance is placed on women’s breast size in our society, it is quite reasonable that a woman might feel inadequate if she is not fully developed.”
It is, of course, the nature of his racket to encourage such feelings. But by peddling this hopelessly vague system that is certain to fail he expands them to entirely new realms: body-image issues are now not just a failing of the physical self, but of the mental one, too.
(And fans of Studies in Crap favorite Joyce Landorf already know that physical beauty is directly proportionate to how much God loves you.)
But that’s all depressing! It’s better to laugh at more of his chesty chestnuts!
Wilson’s heartfelt dedication:
“This book is
to every woman who
wants to increase
the size of her breasts.”
The 141-page book is more padded than falsies. Besides the breast poetry, Wilson includes 31 pages of preparatory verse on the subject of magic carpet rides and curling bare toes in the grass. There’s also countless repetition, a chart to mark your cup-size progress, an eight-page bibliography, and an absurd 14-page index.
Two typical entries:
“Larger left breast . . . 76
Larger right breast . . . 76”
Next Thursday, Studies in Crap continues its All-Star Salute to Breasts! Don’t miss it!
[The Crap Archivist lives in Kansas City, where he originates his on-line Studies for the Voice‘s sister paper, The Pitch.]
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on May 20, 2010