The Taliban Would Like You to Know That They Are Not, in Fact, at a Peace Retreat in the Maldives


Sometimes, like many other people, I sit in the office and daydream of being somewhere else. And some of these times, it’s simply just outside! And other times, it’s in the Maldives, which if you don’t know, is a really expensive, really beautiful, really secluded island retreat where people with a lot of money go to have their colons excavated and then lined with eucalyptus leaves so they can then come home and fart out petite clouds of freshness.

Unfortunately for the Taliban — who likely wants (or at the very least: could use) the same thing — they are not, in fact, going to a retreat in the Maldives, contrary to what you may have heard. If your reaction to this news is simply a stunned “What the fuck?” you can’t really be faulted here.

So many questions:

  • Who, exactly, put the rumor out there that the Taliban was in the Maldives?
  • Is this like the Bloomberg-vacations-in-Bermuda narrative meant to subvert their power to people who think they might not be “on the ball” or something?
  • And who in the Taliban is accustomed to using PR-speak like “baseless rumors”? Did they hire Marty Singer to rep them?

Whatever. Their loss. If, in fact, the Taliban were invited to the Maldives and refuse to accept for whatever inane reason, I’d be more than glad to take their place on whatever press function is going on over there these days. Look at these pictures of the Maldives for a moment and tell me you wouldn’t:

That is a restaurant, underwater. Fish — tropical fish! — swim over you while you eat. Not pictured, the manservant-singing crab that comes with every table.

To be fair, there is a very strong Islamic presence in the Maldives, making it a (kind of?) natural spot for the Taliban to have their company retreat at, if they had the scratch to spend on it (which they supposedly don’t). Whatever, no shame in your game, guys. If I could be there, I would. That said, a stand against the Maldives is a stand against an Awesomest. Vacation. Ever. Which … sigh, the Taliban would take. Lame. I hope our military blows you to fuckall. Note to the Universe and All Appropriate Authorities Otherwise Involved: more Maldives, less Taliban.