News & Politics

Thirteen-Year-Old Climbs Mount Everest, Tells Eighth Grade to ‘Suck It’

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Jordan Romero, 13, reached the peak of Mount Everest yesterday, the world’s highest mountain at 29,035 feet, becoming the youngest person to ever complete the climb. The previous record holder was 16 and is now embarrassed. “He says, ‘Mom, I’m calling you from the top of the world,'” his mother told the Associated Press. “There were lots of tears and ‘I love you! I love you!'”

Romero climbed Mount Kilimanjaro in Africa at age nine and aims to climb the tallest peak on all seven continents. He only has one left. Normal 13-year-old boys are excited about the following things:

  • Fire
  • Staying up all night
  • Scrambled pornography on television
  • Cargo shorts
  • Internet pornography
  • Root beer
  • Talking about kissing girls

Normal 13-year-old boys have:

  • Lit (small) things on fire
  • Stayed up all night (almost)
  • Found pornography
  • Shopped sans Mom (her money)
  • Found more pornography
  • Chugged a two-liter (almost)
  • Talked about kissing a girl (not even close)

No one is going to want to hang out with this kid when he gets home, except every girl.