Here’s Why You’re Never Leaving Facebook, Ever


Today Facebook prepares to roll out a whole new wave of privacy settings which they’re pretty much not telling anyone about, for now — specifics are to be discussed on the Facebook blog, if and when the Facebook dictators see fit.

As to be expected, this has the site’s nearly 500-million “We do things our way, like getting Betty White on SNL, and saving that Coco-person!” users — along with those who don’t use Facebook and probably never will (Hi, Grandma!) — kinda worked up. We don’t like change! We don’t like being told what to do! Because it’s generally annoying as shit.

Last week the editors at Mashable asked Facebookers if they might leave the site and why. Here are the results (click to enlarge).

So, as it happens, the (slim) majority actually aren’t about to walk away — yet. In terms of the rest of us, you’ve got your curmudgeons bemoaning the old Facebook days, your curmudgeons bemoaning the Internet, and your curmudgeons bemoaning becoming old and gray curmudgeons while sitting in front of Facebook and looking at pictures of other peoples’ lives.

Curmudgeons, however, generally don’t leave, because they’re too busy taking polls about why they’re going to leave Facebook on Facebook, then happily bitching about it to all of their Facebook friends.

Meta. But discontent is one thing; cutting yourself off from all that you know and love, even if only in a Stockholm Syndrome sort of way, is something else entirely.

As for the “other” section, we presume they’re just like us: Secretly obsessed with Internet-stalking our exes all the while knowing that some day we’ll eventually go to therapy and kick that habit. And then get off of Facebook. And then probably devote ourselves to saving sea turtles, because what else will there be? Except then we’ll have to rejoin Facebook so we can post all of the ah-fuckin-mazing photos.

Not convinced? There’s an exodus planned for May 31. Because such things are better done in large numbers, and to great fanfare. 19,786 are currently committed. Will they actually do it? Stay tuned…