The BP Oil Spill Disaster: It’s Top Kill Time, Baby!


The BP Oil Spill Disaster has been going on for quite some time now, but BP – when they’re not busy possibly constructing horrific charts or ignoring incredibly apparent warning signs – thinks they have the answer: Top Kill, Live on TV

“Top Kill” – which was just given the go-ahead about an hour ago – is the name of the strategy they’re employing now that basically amounts to BP pumping mud into the “leak,” which currently pumping thousands of gallons of the Earth’s Black Bile into the Gulf of Mexico daily, in order to plug it up, and then sealing it with cement on top of it. The well, which is a mile undersea, is the deepest level this strategy will ever be attempted at. It will look kinda like this:

Not only that, but via Business Insider, it’s going to be on live TV! Will it work, though?

  • BP thinks they’ve got a solid 70% chance at this working, according to Bloomberg BusinessWeek.
  • Salon had the chances pegged at a 60-70% chance of working.
  • A former drilling engineer told Reuters the odds are basically 50-50.
  • And someone is paying out 3-1 odds on Top Kill bets on Twitter.

Finally, one guy told the Washington Post that there’s always the chance the Mission: Top Kill actually makes this situation worse.

Greg McCormack, director of the Petroleum Extension Service at the University of Texas at Austin, said he’s cautiously optimistic that the top kill will work, saying: “There’s always a trade-off between making it better and making it worse. This probably has the least amount of risk of making it worse.”

And if it fails? Two options:

1. Release the Cofferdam! Remember when you learned what a cofferdam – a big giant metal dome used to catch all the spilly oil mess – was? They’re gonna try another one of those, which already failed once. It’ll be ready in, like, a week or so.

2. Junk (in the Trunk!) Shot. Remember when you learned what a junk shot – where BP uses golf balls, tires, and whatever other shit they can find to plug a hole up with – was? Well, they never got around to trying that one, so via the LA Times, it’s still an option, albiet a ridiculous, patently insane sounding one: Stopping the ocean’s polluting by polluting it more? Talk about calling an audible.

Either way, you can tune in to TOP KILL TV right here, as BP’s SUPER SPILL CAM (which, if I’m not mistaken, was originally employed on Double Dare) has its sights set on the gusher, and will continue to as Mission: Top Kill begins sometime between now and whenever they decide to start pumping mud into the ocean to fix this extraordinary mess they’ve made of it.