How to Drunk Dial: A User’s Guide


Today the front page of Metro New York promised to tell us how to stop drunk dialing. Which we were rather thrilled about. Finally, news we can use! Alas, a search through the paper turned up some rather obvious advice reliant on having friends around you at all times who are willing to enforce good judgment even while you’re being a stark, raving, drunken lunatic who will stop at nothing to place his or her ill-advised phone call. To wit:

1. A designated dialer needs your prior, sober permission to confiscate any mobile calling devices should they find your judgment to be seriously impaired.

2. We don’t care if you’ve never drunk-dialed in your life: If you’ve recently been dumped, we advise selecting a designated dialer, just in case.

3. Again, we don’t care if you’ve never drunk-dialed in your life: If you’ve just met someone new and you are determined to maintain the upper hand, select a designated dialer just in case. There’s nothing like a 2 a.m. call too early in a relationship to put all your cards on the table.

And it goes on and on like that. Unfortunately, this whole “designated dialer” concept is a bit flawed. First of all, who among us will admit while sober that we’re actually secretly planning to call someone we shouldn’t? (Kudos to you if you do, but we’re all about keeping that stuff suppressed until a quantity of booze is consumed, and then embracing bad behavior full force.) By that point, whether you have or have not selected a designated dialer, nobody’s gonna take that phone away from you without a major scuffle that likely results in you being kicked out of the bar, and potentially terminates your friendship with designated dialer.

Beyond that, even if you do choose to select this phone-babysitter person in some sort of above-board fashion, you always have the option of returning to your apartment alone, where you have full privileges to consume an entire bag of potato chips, or 7 slices of pizza, while you ponder the wisdom of drunk dialing in peace and quiet.

If you want to drunk dial, there’s no stopping you, so we’d suggest doing it right if you’re going to do it. A few tips:

1. Always call after midnight. A drunk dial before 11:59 a.m. shows you’re a wimpy lightweight, and a cheap date.

2. Be an equal opportunity drunk dialer. Exes, persons of interests, friends, Aunt Terri … they all want to hear from you! Spread the love.

3. It’s good if you continue to drink while making your call. Keeps the energy positive and the conversation breezy.

4. If something in the back of your bloated, booze-addled brain tells you this call might not be such a good idea, polish off whatever you’re eating and lie on your bed fully clothed for a bit. If you pass out, ’twas not to be. Que sera, sera.

5. Also if unsure: Experiment with texting instead of using your phone’s automated dialing capability. If you’re so drunk you can’t spell, problem solved!

The best news about drunk dialing, however, is that you hardly ever remember it in the morning. Which means: It didn’t happen. If you see something questionable in your cell phone, simply delete it immediately and move on. Onward and upward, friends.