Shark Tank Weddings Becoming Commoner Than Dirt These Days


You know, it’s hard to have a truly original wedding nowadays. Even the Long Island couple who thought they had the brilliant, truly original idea of getting hitched in a shark tank … well, turns out they’re totally derivative, just like everyone else. According to NBC New York, April Pignataro and Michael Curry will take their vows on Sunday in the Lost City of Atlantis Shark Tank at Atlantis Marine World in Riverhead. “They wanted to be a little different,” said the bride’s father.

Different, like, these people?

Or these?

Okay, we’re thrilled that April and Michael found each other, and we hate to be a curmudgeon, but whatever happened to just plain getting married? Does a wedding really require originality? In our recollection, weddings are about love, and staying together, and time-honored traditions and that sort of thing — and then getting really drunk. Shark tanks? Jumping off cliffs together? Isn’t marriage hard enough?

Not to mention, as New York City Clerks offices today begin to offer “marriage-like” civil ceremonies for same-sex couples, we’re rather saddened by the fact that other couples choose to focus on all this hoopla while…perhaps…the point is something different altogether?

Beyond that, an underwater wedding surrounded by beasts who will eat you just as soon to look at you seems, well, a tad uncomfortable, not in the least for the guests, who stay above water but have to listen to that garbled underwater vow exchange which is only slightly better (to us) than nails on a chalkboard.

The ceremony will for the most part be a normal wedding until the moment in which they exchange their vows. From that point the couple will change into their wet suits and a full-face mask that allows for the two to communicate.

They will then enter the aquariums shark cage with a dive master and be lowered into 120,000 gallon tank. Once inside they will be surrounded by sand tiger sharks, nurse sharks, moray eels, and a massive Queensland grouper.

Well, to each his own. Here’s hoping it’s a short ceremony.

Anyway, mazel tov to the couple! We really do wish them the best, even if we aren’t groveling for an invite. They who swim with the sharks together…oh, nevermind.

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